My Writing

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair   Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings.  1. Protect Cultural Identity  Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices.  Advocate for cultural a

Big humungous enormous overwhelming grief and Little itty bitty moments of joy. That is how it seems to go at the beginning, right after a profound loss. And though the grief may never change in size or color or shape, slowly, over time, there will be more and bigger moments of joy, surrounding, cushioning, buoying, billowing the grief. It might be a hearty guffaw, a moment of delight, a splendid afternoon, an unexpected reprieve from the grief. I have been so moved on social

“I would say that happiness is the sweetness of desiring what you have, fully aware of its fragility, its brevity and its limits. Happiness isn’t the absence of sadness, but the capacity to hold reality without needing it to be otherwise.” This quote by Stephen Grosz makes my heart happy. I have always felt that the word 'contentment' captures the sweetness of desiring what I have.  Likewise, I have always felt that the word 'acceptance' means to hold reality without needing

What if rain drops had names? When they splashed down to the ground and broke apart, would you grieve them? Would you memorialize each drop by name? There are 8.3 billion people alive on the planet right now. Each of us was born, lived, cared for (however well or badly), and will die.  Each of has a name. Let us honor all life. Let us honor all death. We die because we were born. Every raindrop existed, exists and will exist again.

When you are in a conversation with someone, do you feel connected or like you are each giving a monologue?  Shortly before his untimely...

"The silence of this place is as real and solid as sound. More real, in fact." Written by Admiral Byrd in 1934, alone in a shack near the South Pole for five months. He received messages by radio from his friend President Roosevelt. Though close at times to death, he "felt more alive," he confesses, in his solitude, "than at any other time in my life." To feel alive because of silence, reminds me of the silence of death in a weird kind of way. Byrd's solitude, by definition,

Death Doulas Get A Shout Out On The Pitt on Season 2 Episode 5! In the first season of The Pitt, we got to hear renown Dr. Ira Byock's 'four most important words at the end of life', which are: Thank you, I Love You, Please forgive me, I forgive you. Now, in the second season, we got to relish a scene with a death doula (with the red hair and braid in the photo) supporting a family in a medical crisis. She was depicted as a caring, compassionate, support person, who was ther

How do you honor the death anniversary of a loved one? Here is a great hack! In a recent Death Cafe that I facilitate, two women talked about the brilliant, creative and inspiring ways they honor their dead loved ones. One goes to a decidedly unfancy restaurant, eats a simple meal, and tips the unassuming wait person the age her mom would be on the anniversary of her death. That waitress just earned a $100 tip and goodness knows, she needs it. Some years, the same woman has g

"You can't take it with you when you die!" Right? What do you want to do with your financial legacy? When my mom died, and by prior arrangement, I got to donate $100,000 from her will to various causes she cared about. I had a great time selecting those nonprofit organizations that best supported the causes she loved.  First, I took care of the tribute gifts: there was the gift to the wonderful hospice that cared for her; the donation to research on breast cancer (her daughte

I refuse to write New Year's resolutions. Also, I am a little in love with Krista Tippett of "On Being" fame. She possesses the perfect mind meld of spirit and science and matters of the heart. Tippett pivots away from resolutions and towards questions. She offers a way to find our deepest question for the year, and to go on a journey of discovery to find its answer. She draws upon Rilke, another one of my favorite writers, from his "Letters To A Young Poet", "Rilke said, try

Sometimes I feel like I am starting my slow slide toward Death.  Actually, I picture it like a Slip and Slide that my kids used to love at a Water Park. Its super fun until it's not. After hours of gleeful shouts and flops, they got tired and cold. Is it weird to think of death that way?  "My loved ones cannot save me. Our loved ones cannot keep us from death; there is no delaying its advent. Holding this thought in mind, I exercise non-grasping." This is the Seventh Contempl

2025 has been quite a year, right?!  I spent time in fear, in rage, in despair, in hopelessness, and in historical review of ultra-right wing trends. I learned that I needed more than to white knuckle it. A few months in, I began to practice how to relax into the gunk and found two very important gifts. One is joy and the other hope. I am not letting go of hope (joy and hope combined)! I am holding on tightly! They are essential ingredients for what we are cooking! They will

As we end 2025, its useful to look back at the year in review and notice how we fared as evolving beings of light, with an abbreviated version of the five hindrances. The five hindrances can be understood as very common, negative mind sets which hinder us on the spiritual path, as per Buddhist philosophy: The first hindrance is Desire. "Everything will be OK when I get what I want." Is that really true? The second hindrance is Ill Will or Aversion. "I don't want this. I don't

Do you have a chronic health issue? A disease that has been with you for a long time? Do you feel fragile and vulnerable? I am in my late 60's and my health is good. I work at it every day. But I have chronic health issues that have plagued me for 25-45 years. I thought they were well managed until this year. Suddenly, my asthma was out of control, my interstitial cystitis was flaring up most days, and my piriformis syndrome got worse. Additionally, I was inexplicably gaining

My 90 year old friend is sad. He is living with the regret that he is not leaving behind a legacy, a body of work. His friends have authored books and started groups that have become large organizations. My friend is very lovable and loving. Whenever I get to be around him, I am happy. He is very intelligent and knowledgeable about literary things, and I always feel just a bit smarter after leaving his company. He is trying to forgive himself for not doing more. He is trying

A friend in her forties almost died recently from an accidental overdose. It reminded me that we never know when death will reach out for us. That thought reminded me of the Fourth Contemplation: "My life span is not fixed. Human life expectancy is uncertain; death can come at any time." The Nine Contemplations, written in the 11th century by the Buddhist monk and scholar Atisha, addresses the twisting, jeweled path of life and ultimately death. They are a quiet warning of th

If I had one wish as an end of life doula, it would to be contacted earlier! The dying person or their caregiver usually wait too long to get the benefits we offer - support and empathy and guidance.  Just like hospice is called in too late and can only do crisis-level care, end of life doulas are also called in too late. Recently I was called by a birth doula about her dear, dying friend, who really needed some help articulating her final wishes and support to get on hospice

Do you think you can escape death? Intellectually, we know we will die.  But we put off fully facing this because, for most of our lives, it is more of an abstract idea than a reality. I find it helpful to listen to people for whom death is not an abstraction. I learn so much from them. One dear woman told me that as her body declines, she notices her heart's capacity to love is increasing. I love that. The Nine Contemplations, written in the 11th century by the Buddhist monk