My Writing

You have heard of FOMO, right? Fear of Missing Out is a real thing. I have pivoted to JOMO, Joy of Missing Out. Yep, I heard it from one of the lovely human who regularly attends my Death Cafe about 2 years ago. And it stuck. Now, instead of saying "No", I can say "I am going JOMO on that event/invitation/plan." I love missing out on otherwise wonderful events with joy. It is not that I do not want to attend, its that I have a conflict or have run out of energy or it does not

Someone said to me the other day that the three ages of humans are 'youth, maturity and you-look-great'! I chuckled, nodding. They followed with a joke about an elephant standing in the middle of a room with people all around them saying, 'And I am right there and still no one acknowledges me!' That poor elephant! I never thought of its perspective before. But that is not the point. I used to have an elephant collection because they were my favorite animal. Stuffed animal ele

I finally have something to put on my bucket list! Here it is: Making friends with Time. Having time. Taking time. Enjoying the time I have. I have always had a strained relationship with time. I had to make every second count. I had to do three things at once. There was never enough time so I had to be super fast and uber efficient and super productive. Now I just want to have a friendly relationship with time. I don't want to be too busy. I don't want to multi-task. I don't

When it comes to what they want to happen to their bodies after their death, most people prefer cremation. Despite what you might expect, the idea of being buried in a big expensive casket and put deep into the ground, does not appeal to everyone. Nowadays, it’s hard for many folks to get to visit graveside. Keeping your loved one's cremains in an urn feels sacred. It is also very convenient and flexible whether you want to keep or spread those ashes on a mountain top at suns

Is there a lump in your oatmeal or your throat? Here is a litmus test someone in my Death Cafe described as a way to discern the most appropriate response to a situation. I have found this so helpful. I invite you to try it. Ask yourself these three questions about your situation: Is there a lump in my oatmeal? Is there a lump in my throat? Is there a lump in my breast? Today when a little situation regarding plans for my daughter's wedding next week (!) seemed like a lump in

I came out as sick! Last week I presented my journey to finding wellness for myself as a presenter at the Institute for Behavioral Health and Wellness Training's conference. I named my little workshop 'Becoming a Wise Self Healer'. They operative word is 'becoming'. I have had a lot of health challenges or what I label chronic, complex conditions. I started with hypoglycemic reactions to the standard American diet (SAD) that plagued me in my earliest memories and was compoun

Did hospice really kill your brother? I hear things like this often. That hospice overmedicated a loved one who died from too much of a painkiller like morphine. Or that hospice didn't seek to revive their parent when they coded. Or that hospice wasn't available when they were needed the most. I want to say hospice is an incredible service, available for free for all residents of the USA. It has the honor of being one of the rare bills signed into law on its first try. (Most

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings. 1. Protect Cultural Identity Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices. Advocate for cultural a

Big humungous enormous overwhelming grief and Little itty bitty moments of joy. That is how it seems to go at the beginning, right after a profound loss. And though the grief may never change in size or color or shape, slowly, over time, there will be more and bigger moments of joy, surrounding, cushioning, buoying, billowing the grief. It might be a hearty guffaw, a moment of delight, a splendid afternoon, an unexpected reprieve from the grief. I have been so moved on social

“I would say that happiness is the sweetness of desiring what you have, fully aware of its fragility, its brevity and its limits. Happiness isn’t the absence of sadness, but the capacity to hold reality without needing it to be otherwise.” This quote by Stephen Grosz makes my heart happy. I have always felt that the word 'contentment' captures the sweetness of desiring what I have. Likewise, I have always felt that the word 'acceptance' means to hold reality without needing

What if rain drops had names? When they splashed down to the ground and broke apart, would you grieve them? Would you memorialize each drop by name? There are 8.3 billion people alive on the planet right now. Each of us was born, lived, cared for (however well or badly), and will die. Each of has a name. Let us honor all life. Let us honor all death. We die because we were born. Every raindrop existed, exists and will exist again.

When you are in a conversation with someone, do you feel connected or like you are each giving a monologue? Shortly before his untimely...

"The silence of this place is as real and solid as sound. More real, in fact." Written by Admiral Byrd in 1934, alone in a shack near the South Pole for five months. He received messages by radio from his friend President Roosevelt. Though close at times to death, he "felt more alive," he confesses, in his solitude, "than at any other time in my life." To feel alive because of silence, reminds me of the silence of death in a weird kind of way. Byrd's solitude, by definition,

Death Doulas Get A Shout Out On The Pitt on Season 2 Episode 5! In the first season of The Pitt, we got to hear renown Dr. Ira Byock's 'four most important words at the end of life', which are: Thank you, I Love You, Please forgive me, I forgive you. Now, in the second season, we got to relish a scene with a death doula (with the red hair and braid in the photo) supporting a family in a medical crisis. She was depicted as a caring, compassionate, support person, who was ther

How do you honor the death anniversary of a loved one? Here is a great hack! In a recent Death Cafe that I facilitate, two women talked about the brilliant, creative and inspiring ways they honor their dead loved ones. One goes to a decidedly unfancy restaurant, eats a simple meal, and tips the unassuming wait person the age her mom would be on the anniversary of her death. That waitress just earned a $100 tip and goodness knows, she needs it. Some years, the same woman has g

"You can't take it with you when you die!" Right? What do you want to do with your financial legacy? When my mom died, and by prior arrangement, I got to donate $100,000 from her will to various causes she cared about. I had a great time selecting those nonprofit organizations that best supported the causes she loved. First, I took care of the tribute gifts: there was the gift to the wonderful hospice that cared for her; the donation to research on breast cancer (her daughte

I refuse to write New Year's resolutions. Also, I am a little in love with Krista Tippett of "On Being" fame. She possesses the perfect mind meld of spirit and science and matters of the heart. Tippett pivots away from resolutions and towards questions. She offers a way to find our deepest question for the year, and to go on a journey of discovery to find its answer. She draws upon Rilke, another one of my favorite writers, from his "Letters To A Young Poet", "Rilke said, try

Sometimes I feel like I am starting my slow slide toward Death. Actually, I picture it like a Slip and Slide that my kids used to love at a Water Park. Its super fun until it's not. After hours of gleeful shouts and flops, they got tired and cold. Is it weird to think of death that way? "My loved ones cannot save me. Our loved ones cannot keep us from death; there is no delaying its advent. Holding this thought in mind, I exercise non-grasping." This is the Seventh Contempl