My Writing

Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh famously opined, "No mud, no lotus." We have to do a bit of trudging. We have to face our discomfort. We have to work through the difficulty. We have to get curious about the suffering. But he also said that it is okay to suffer. We shouldn't avoid it or be afraid of it. It is normal and natural to suffer. We just have to watch out for denying it or fearing it. That's the mud. Later, the lotus. Later we can experience freedom from sufferi

My eyes are getting softer. I can feel it. I know you know what I mean. In the third act of our lives, in the years of our retirement, or at least our semi-retirement, after the kids are launched, and the career winds down, we have the chance to consciously develop soft eyes. *We can develop a very deep relationship with ourselves. *We can hold those few special someones close. *We can see people through a lens of compassion and acceptance and detachment. *We can hone in on o

If you want to practice what I call kindfulness mindfulness and your mind is very noisy and unfocused, here are three more ideas I heard Matthew Bretsilver, meditation teacher extraordinaire, suggest. I’ve added my own twists. 1. Make sure you are at peak wakefulness when you are ready to sit on the cushion. Some squats or lunges or planks or wall push-ups or toe raises really help. 2. Go to the forest or park or your backyard, lay down on the ground and look up at the trees.

I love clean slates, tablas rasas, to begin again. Every morning is such a chance. I wake up and for a moment everything is new and fresh. I begin again. Rosh Hashanah is technically the birthday of the world. It begins the evening of Sept. 11th and ushers in 10 days of reflection, repair and renewal. The whole idea is to clear our personal slates, to ask forgiveness, to forgive, to reestablish our goals for the new year, and to find at-one-ment within. I love celebrating thi

September always seems like a good starting place for a tabla rasa of sorts. Maybe its because school starts up again; the harvest time gives us amazing jewels from the earth; the year is rounding its corner towards January; and the Jewish high holy holidays around this time promise a clean slate. So I am holding on to the kindfulness in my mindfulness practice. And holding on to a few helpful techniques for quieting my mind. 1. One helpful hint while sitting or even during p

Someone said to me the other day that the three ages of humans are 'youth, maturity and you-look-great'! I chuckled, nodding. They followed with a joke about an elephant standing in the middle of a room with people all around them saying, 'And I am right there and still no one acknowledges me!' That poor elephant! I never thought of its perspective before. But that is not the point. I used to have an elephant collection because they were my favorite animal. Stuffed animal ele

I finally have something to put on my bucket list! Here it is: Making friends with Time. Having time. Taking time. Enjoying the time I have. I have always had a strained relationship with time. I had to make every second count. I had to do three things at once. There was never enough time so I had to be super fast and uber efficient and super productive. Now I just want to have a friendly relationship with time. I don't want to be too busy. I don't want to multi-task. I don't

How are things with your spirit? Someone asked me this the other day and I was touched. What a thoughtful question. And so wonderfully open to interpretation. My spirit has been soaring of late. After 15 months of engagement and planning, my daughter married two weeks ago and everything went so beautifully! It was perfect! I was so proud of my daughters and so grateful for dear friends and family to share it with, and for the lessons that linger. I am at peace with time and s

When it comes to what they want to happen to their bodies after their death, most people prefer cremation. Despite what you might expect, the idea of being buried in a big expensive casket and put deep into the ground, does not appeal to everyone. Nowadays, it’s hard for many folks to get to visit graveside. Keeping your loved one's cremains in an urn feels sacred. It is also very convenient and flexible whether you want to keep or spread those ashes on a mountain top at suns

Is there a lump in your oatmeal or your throat? Here is a litmus test someone in my Death Cafe described as a way to discern the most appropriate response to a situation. I have found this so helpful. I invite you to try it. Ask yourself these three questions about your situation: Is there a lump in my oatmeal? Is there a lump in my throat? Is there a lump in my breast? Today when a little situation regarding plans for my daughter's wedding next week (!) seemed like a lump in

I came out as sick! Last week I presented my journey to finding wellness for myself as a presenter at the Institute for Behavioral Health and Wellness Training's conference. I named my little workshop 'Becoming a Wise Self Healer'. They operative word is 'becoming'. I have had a lot of health challenges or what I label chronic, complex conditions. I started with hypoglycemic reactions to the standard American diet (SAD) that plagued me in my earliest memories and was compoun

What is the antidote to shame? It is self compassion. Makes sense, right? As an end of life doula, I sometimes work with people who are dealing with a lot of regret, which is all tied up with deep shame. According to Kristin Neff, guru of all things compassion, "We can see why when we consider the three core components of self-compassion and their opposites, which are mindfulness vs. over-identification, common humanity vs. isolation, and kindness vs. judgment." Shame takes u

Did hospice really kill your brother? I hear things like this often. That hospice overmedicated a loved one who died from too much of a painkiller like morphine. Or that hospice didn't seek to revive their parent when they coded. Or that hospice wasn't available when they were needed the most. I want to say hospice is an incredible service, available for free for all residents of the USA. It has the honor of being one of the rare bills signed into law on its first try. (Most

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings. 1. Protect Cultural Identity Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices. Advocate for cultural a

The Dreaded "D" Word: Downsizing! Are You Dreading Downsizing But Know its Next? Never mind the estimated $27 trillion to $46 trillion in assets transferring to millenials the Great Wealth Transfer. We are focusing on the "The Great Stuff Transfer" and "The Baby Boom Stuff Avalanche." You know you are getting to the time where you must move to a smaller place. Every time the thought crosses your mind, you feel overwhelmed, and so you keep putting it off. Or maybe you are the

Big humungous enormous overwhelming grief and Little itty bitty moments of joy. That is how it seems to go at the beginning, right after a profound loss. And though the grief may never change in size or color or shape, slowly, over time, there will be more and bigger moments of joy, surrounding, cushioning, buoying, billowing the grief. It might be a hearty guffaw, a moment of delight, a splendid afternoon, an unexpected reprieve from the grief. I have been so moved on social

Ahh, the wisdom of being a Wise Elder: "When you are old, devotions, rituals, icons, they fall away; you go straight to the heart."- 87 year old woman and widow. Going straight to the heart, coming straight from the heart. This is what matters. The closer we get to death, the more we know this truism. Everything else falls away. It doesn't matter what we did or how well we did it. All that matters is did we love fully and openly? Did we keep our hearts open? There have been s

"Kiss the joy as it flies..." This is a line from a famous poem titled "Eternity" by William Blake. Someone in my Death Cafe today said she always hated that line in the poem because she wants to hold on to the joy. She wants to keep it close to her. She wants to hold it so tight that it can't leave her. But she also said she knows that isn't how joy works. That it is by nature ephemeral. That it is fleeting. That it can't be restrained or tied down or it will surely die. Tha