My Writing

What is the antidote to shame? It is self compassion. Makes sense, right? As an end of life doula, I sometimes work with people who are dealing with a lot of regret, which is all tied up with deep shame. According to Kristin Neff, guru of all things compassion, "We can see why when we consider the three core components of self-compassion and their opposites, which are mindfulness vs. over-identification, common humanity vs. isolation, and kindness vs. judgment." Shame takes u

Did hospice really kill your brother? I hear things like this often. That hospice overmedicated a loved one who died from too much of a painkiller like morphine. Or that hospice didn't seek to revive their parent when they coded. Or that hospice wasn't available when they were needed the most. I want to say hospice is an incredible service, available for free for all residents of the USA. It has the honor of being one of the rare bills signed into law on its first try. (Most

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair   Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings.  1. Protect Cultural Identity  Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices.  Advocate for cultural a

The Dreaded "D" Word: Downsizing! Are You Dreading Downsizing But Know its Next? Never mind the estimated $27 trillion to $46 trillion in assets transferring to millenials the Great Wealth Transfer. We are focusing on the "The Great Stuff Transfer" and "The Baby Boom Stuff Avalanche." You know you are getting to the time where you must move to a smaller place. Every time the thought crosses your mind, you feel overwhelmed, and so you keep putting it off. Or maybe you are the

Big humungous enormous overwhelming grief and Little itty bitty moments of joy. That is how it seems to go at the beginning, right after a profound loss. And though the grief may never change in size or color or shape, slowly, over time, there will be more and bigger moments of joy, surrounding, cushioning, buoying, billowing the grief. It might be a hearty guffaw, a moment of delight, a splendid afternoon, an unexpected reprieve from the grief. I have been so moved on social

Ahh, the wisdom of being a Wise Elder: "When you are old, devotions, rituals, icons, they fall away; you go straight to the heart."- 87 year old woman and widow. Going straight to the heart, coming straight from the heart. This is what matters. The closer we get to death, the more we know this truism. Everything else falls away. It doesn't matter what we did or how well we did it. All that matters is did we love fully and openly? Did we keep our hearts open? There have been s

"Kiss the joy as it flies..." This is a line from a famous poem titled "Eternity" by William Blake. Someone in my Death Cafe today said she always hated that line in the poem because she wants to hold on to the joy. She wants to keep it close to her. She wants to hold it so tight that it can't leave her. But she also said she knows that isn't how joy works. That it is by nature ephemeral. That it is fleeting. That it can't be restrained or tied down or it will surely die. Tha

"Whatever" upon waking. "Oh well" upon going to sleep. This is how the lovely writer and speaker extraordinaire Annie Lamott describes her daily mantras. But, as we know, she meant something more profound. She is certainly not cavalier about her day, her work, her life. Here's what I think she meant: We do the best we can. Every day. We plan. We show up. We consider. We try to be better. We choose. We move on. Sometimes it works out well. And sometimes our efforts are not suc

“I would say that happiness is the sweetness of desiring what you have, fully aware of its fragility, its brevity and its limits. Happiness isn’t the absence of sadness, but the capacity to hold reality without needing it to be otherwise.” This quote by Stephen Grosz makes my heart happy. I have always felt that the word 'contentment' captures the sweetness of desiring what I have.  Likewise, I have always felt that the word 'acceptance' means to hold reality without needing

What if rain drops had names? When they splashed down to the ground and broke apart, would you grieve them? Would you memorialize each drop by name? There are 8.3 billion people alive on the planet right now. Each of us was born, lived, cared for (however well or badly), and will die.  Each of has a name. Let us honor all life. Let us honor all death. We die because we were born. Every raindrop existed, exists and will exist again.

When you are in a conversation with someone, do you feel connected or like you are each giving a monologue?  Shortly before his untimely...

"The silence of this place is as real and solid as sound. More real, in fact." Written by Admiral Byrd in 1934, alone in a shack near the South Pole for five months. He received messages by radio from his friend President Roosevelt. Though close at times to death, he "felt more alive," he confesses, in his solitude, "than at any other time in my life." To feel alive because of silence, reminds me of the silence of death in a weird kind of way. Byrd's solitude, by definition,

Death Doulas Get A Shout Out On The Pitt on Season 2 Episode 5! In the first season of The Pitt, we got to hear renown Dr. Ira Byock's 'four most important words at the end of life', which are: Thank you, I Love You, Please forgive me, I forgive you. Now, in the second season, we got to relish a scene with a death doula (with the red hair and braid in the photo) supporting a family in a medical crisis. She was depicted as a caring, compassionate, support person, who was ther

How do you honor the death anniversary of a loved one? Here is a great hack! In a recent Death Cafe that I facilitate, two women talked about the brilliant, creative and inspiring ways they honor their dead loved ones. One goes to a decidedly unfancy restaurant, eats a simple meal, and tips the unassuming wait person the age her mom would be on the anniversary of her death. That waitress just earned a $100 tip and goodness knows, she needs it. Some years, the same woman has g

"You can't take it with you when you die!" Right? What do you want to do with your financial legacy? When my mom died, and by prior arrangement, I got to donate $100,000 from her will to various causes she cared about. I had a great time selecting those nonprofit organizations that best supported the causes she loved.  First, I took care of the tribute gifts: there was the gift to the wonderful hospice that cared for her; the donation to research on breast cancer (her daughte

I refuse to write New Year's resolutions. Also, I am a little in love with Krista Tippett of "On Being" fame. She possesses the perfect mind meld of spirit and science and matters of the heart. Tippett pivots away from resolutions and towards questions. She offers a way to find our deepest question for the year, and to go on a journey of discovery to find its answer. She draws upon Rilke, another one of my favorite writers, from his "Letters To A Young Poet", "Rilke said, try

Sometimes I feel like I am starting my slow slide toward Death.  Actually, I picture it like a Slip and Slide that my kids used to love at a Water Park. Its super fun until it's not. After hours of gleeful shouts and flops, they got tired and cold. Is it weird to think of death that way?  "My loved ones cannot save me. Our loved ones cannot keep us from death; there is no delaying its advent. Holding this thought in mind, I exercise non-grasping." This is the Seventh Contempl

2025 has been quite a year, right?!  I spent time in fear, in rage, in despair, in hopelessness, and in historical review of ultra-right wing trends. I learned that I needed more than to white knuckle it. A few months in, I began to practice how to relax into the gunk and found two very important gifts. One is joy and the other hope. I am not letting go of hope (joy and hope combined)! I am holding on tightly! They are essential ingredients for what we are cooking! They will