Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh famously opined, "No mud, no lotus." We have to do a bit of trudging. We have to face our discomfort. We have to work through the difficulty. We have to get curious about the suffering. But he also said that it is okay to suffer. We shouldn't avoid it or be afraid of it. It is normal and natural to suffer. We just have to watch out for denying it or fearing it. That's the mud. Later, the lotus. Later we can experience freedom from suffering. Later we can experience joy and lightness. Later we can wash off the mud and behold the beauty of the thousand-petaled lotus. Our mind will quiet. Our heart will open. We will be calm. But we can't get there without the mud!

My eyes are getting softer. I can feel it. I know you know what I mean. In the third act of our lives, in the years of our retirement, or at least our semi-retirement, after the kids are launched, and the career winds down, we have the chance to consciously develop soft eyes. *We can develop a very deep relationship with ourselves. *We can hold those few special someones close. *We can see people through a lens of compassion and acceptance and detachment. *We can hone in on our truths of what really matters, what makes our hearts sing, and what we believe in with our whole beings. *We can develop a new and intentional way of experiencing time. *We can age well. In the 7 years since I have been semi-retired, I have developed a much more peaceful and kind relationship with myself. I keep forgiving myself for past mistakes and regrets. I have healed a lot of early childhood wounds. Finally I feel at home in my being. I see myself with softer eyes. My friendships and relationships matter and I put a lot of energy into the handful of people I love so much. I see my people with soft eyes. I have let go of caring about a lot of things that simply don't matter any more, especially achieving. I have a much more relaxed relationship with what matters to me. I see life with soft eyes (most of the time). It took me about 4 years to decompress from 40+ years of being chronically over busy. I experience time as something to savor now, and less about something to squeeze every second out of. I no longer schedule myself tightly. I have loosened up on the reins of time. I see time with soft eyes. I volunteer. I consult. I teach. I facilitate. I take classes. I read. I watch. I write. I garden. I soak. I see live music and art. I hang out and converse. I donate. I dance. I am intimate. I see my days with softer eyes. My health in most ways is better than its ever been. My hair is longer. My workouts are harder. I walk more. My fatigue is less, so is my physical pain. My aches are gone and my memory is good. My lab results are improved. I try to greet the wrinkles and lines and spots without too much distress. I still have some things to work on but since I have had success healing from several chronic conditions, I feel hopeful. I like my body these days. I see my body with softer eyes. I am quieter. My life is simpler. My eyes are soft. Are your eyes becoming soft?

If you want to practice what I call kindfulness mindfulness and your mind is very noisy and unfocused, here are three more ideas I heard Matthew Bretsilver, meditation teacher extraordinaire, suggest. I’ve added my own twists. 1. Make sure you are at peak wakefulness when you are ready to sit on the cushion. Some squats or lunges or planks or wall push-ups or toe raises really help. 2. Go to the forest or park or your backyard, lay down on the ground and look up at the trees. Sigh a few times and breathe deeply. Then let the meditation come to you. 3. Ask yourself why are you needing to remind yourself of yourself? Then smile, give a little giggle and kindly meditate (again). Rinse and repeat. We don't sit to torture ourselves. We sit to kindly go inside, listen, find our center, and stay true. Meditation is an act of kindness.

I love clean slates, tablas rasas, to begin again. Every morning is such a chance. I wake up and for a moment everything is new and fresh. I begin again. Rosh Hashanah is technically the birthday of the world. It begins the evening of Sept. 11th and ushers in 10 days of reflection, repair and renewal. The whole idea is to clear our personal slates, to ask forgiveness, to forgive, to reestablish our goals for the new year, and to find at-one-ment within. I love celebrating this holiday as a secular, spiritual JewBu because it is so meaningful to me. I find the 10 days of reflection to be the bigger draw for me. Its all about kindful mindfulness, my theme for the week. I am not trying to beat myself up for my misdeeds and character flaws. I am trying to take stock honestly of myself and make adjustments lovingly. I want to invigorate my spiritual practice and settle in and write. I want to be of service with lightness. I want to give and receive love. I want to feel joy without denying the pain. I want to forgive and be forgiven. What do you want with your one wild and precious life at this time of cleaning the slate?

September always seems like a good starting place for a tabla rasa of sorts. Maybe its because school starts up again; the harvest time gives us amazing jewels from the earth; the year is rounding its corner towards January; and the Jewish high holy holidays around this time promise a clean slate. So I am holding on to the kindfulness in my mindfulness practice. And holding on to a few helpful techniques for quieting my mind. 1. One helpful hint while sitting or even during peripatetic meditation is to cycle through the senses: what do I sense? What do I hear? what do I smell? What do I feel where my body touches the cushion or where my hands touch each other? When I open my eyes slightly, what do I see? I linger with each sense and use my breath to slow down into it, and just keep going through each. I let kindfulness shine. 2. Just like I gradually ease back into exercise after an absence, I may start off with a one minute meditation that grows longer by a few minutes every day. I am kind to myself about duration. 3. If my mind is very restless, I use meditation bells on an app to remind me every minute or so to kindly bring my attention back to my breath. What kindful mindful hints do you have?

You have heard of FOMO, right? Fear of Missing Out is a real thing. I have pivoted to JOMO, Joy of Missing Out. Yep, I heard it from one of the lovely human who regularly attends my Death Cafe about 2 years ago. And it stuck. Now, instead of saying "No", I can say "I am going JOMO on that event/invitation/plan." I love missing out on otherwise wonderful events with joy. It is not that I do not want to attend, its that I have a conflict or have run out of energy or it does not fit in with my day. And as a senior, I give myself full permission. I don't want to do as much. It makes me stressed, or grouchy, or tired, or agitated. I like picking and choosing what I will do based on my energy, the flow of the day, and interest. But even interest is not enough in and of itself. I wanted to go to a new Sangha meditation group that meets at a time that is not convenient for me. I have had it on my calendar for a few weeks and have not yet being able to attend. But I will. One day. When it is in the flow of the day. I am grateful that it exists. I don't have FOMO about it, and I don't quite have JOMO about it either, but one of these days, I will either feel joy from having attended or from not having attended! If you haven't experienced JOMO yet, trust me that it comes with the turf of being over 60 years of age. It is also a practice you can develop. My brand new son in law is doing just that! What do you feel JOMO about? #deathdoula #healthyaging #FOMO #sayingno

Someone said to me the other day that the three ages of humans are 'youth, maturity and you-look-great'! I chuckled, nodding. They followed with a joke about an elephant standing in the middle of a room with people all around them saying, 'And I am right there and still no one acknowledges me!' That poor elephant! I never thought of its perspective before. But that is not the point. I used to have an elephant collection because they were my favorite animal. Stuffed animal elephants and hand-carved wooden ones, plaster ones and stone ones and metal ones. I only kept two tiny ones that fit in the palm of my hand. Not the point either. In the East, these huge animals are known to be peaceful, stable, kind and compassionate. Elephants are universally revered as symbols of strength, wisdom, stability, and good luck. Because of their deep familial bonds and long lifespans, they also represent loyalty, longevity, and compassionate leadership. I always wanted to be elephant-like. And I always was fond of talking about the elephant in the room. And maybe this particular elephant that I am thinking of today has something to say that I need to hear. Like ease up. Live now. Use your life lessons. Step fully into being a Saging Aging Elder. Love is all that really matters. Maybe being told that I look great when I turn 70 years old next year is going to become the constant elephant in the room. I am going to be officially old to anyone's ears at 70. I still have a pretty good memory, at least for some things. I am constantly reminding friends who are older than me of things we did 5, 10, 30, 40 years ago. I know I too will forget in the coming years. And then who knows what challenges my body will go through. I work hard on my health from my brain health to all my hormones including thyroid, to my bone health, to my mitochondria, to my muscles, and heart, lung, liver, bladder and on. But still, I am aware that life is uncertain and things can change in an instant. And that is the nature of our human lives. I think of the Nine Contemplations. Our life span is ever-decreasing. We are of the nature to decline. We are of the nature to forget. Our loved ones cannot save us. Our bodies cannot save us. Everything will be stripped away. We are of the nature to die. Whether it is aging or death that is the elephant in the room, I hope to stay steady in my spiritual practice and my ability to accept the nature of things. I am aware that I am on a one-way street and that things that were so important to me at one time now seem like silly attachments. Now I focus on the love and the joy and the present moment. I want to take my looking-good enough self and march right into the next decade with that proverbial elephant laughing at my side. Are you young, mature or looking good?

I finally have something to put on my bucket list! Here it is: Making friends with Time. Having time. Taking time. Enjoying the time I have. I have always had a strained relationship with time. I had to make every second count. I had to do three things at once. There was never enough time so I had to be super fast and uber efficient and super productive. Now I just want to have a friendly relationship with time. I don't want to be too busy. I don't want to multi-task. I don't want to worry about wasting time. I want to be present for each moment. I want to be easier about what I do with my days. This is the gift of being an elder. I am on the time-as-friend path. It took me about 4 years to decompress from 50 years of being hyper-scheduled and squeezing time. It took me another 3 years to lighten up on my sense of accomplishment and productivity. Now I schedule much less. I read more. I write more. I meditate more. I take more breaks. I watch more. I listen more. I get to learn more. This week I tried scheduling even less. I jammed in less. I wasted 10 minutes here and there. I let cooking and eating take as long as they took without rushing. I stopped and watered the lettuce without rushing back to my office. I didn't make myself finish the book or the tv show that I was not enjoying. I started writing again. I prioritized time with my loved ones. I did not begrudge doing errands or the traffic. I even got my nails done for the first time in a year. Time. Time can be calm and quiet and guide me inward. Time can be peaceful. I know Time will run out for me one day. Just letting myself luxuriate in it and befriend it makes me feel rich. I am grateful that I get to experience time as my friend and guide. What is your relationship with time?

How are things with your spirit? Someone asked me this the other day and I was touched. What a thoughtful question. And so wonderfully open to interpretation. My spirit has been soaring of late. After 15 months of engagement and planning, my daughter married two weeks ago and everything went so beautifully! It was perfect! I was so proud of my daughters and so grateful for dear friends and family to share it with, and for the lessons that linger. I am at peace with time and slowing down! I never knew my days could be so enjoyable. I am doing less and enjoying more. I am making more room for the things that make my heart sing, from end of life work and third act retirement coaching, to meditation and a new sangha, to west coast swing dancing, to live music (Bob Dylan last night!) to reading books and writing one (hopefully) to watching/streaming great film and episodic tv. Then there are friends, my kids, my partner, my health, walking in nature, working out and caring for my 104 year old house. Donating time and funds to be of service rounds it all out, in my attempt to manage my rage at the political situation and find some measure of hope and compassion. I never just lived before, without striving, without reaching for more, without organizing and producing, without some angst about it all! I bought a new painting yesterday that humorously depicts the utter ennui- as my friend calls it- of our times. Can't wait to hang it! I am so grateful for all. There have been many hard years. The easy ones are well earned and deeply cherished. Love makes it all sweet! How is your spirit doing? Are you feeling fully alive?

When it comes to what they want to happen to their bodies after their death, most people prefer cremation. Despite what you might expect, the idea of being buried in a big expensive casket and put deep into the ground, does not appeal to everyone. Nowadays, it’s hard for many folks to get to visit graveside. Keeping your loved one's cremains in an urn feels sacred. It is also very convenient and flexible whether you want to keep or spread those ashes on a mountain top at sunset. You don't have to visit the cemetery if you live far away. You can keep the ashes with you. You don't have to pay for a traditional burial which is well over $10,000 for basic amenities. You don't have to worry about the carbon footprint you are leaving. Of course, there are other alternatives to traditional burial. Like natural burial, in a shroud, or basket or plain pine box in a dug grave that has no concrete, no large casket, no toxic chemicals. Like human composting which over 8-12 weeks morphs a body into soil. Still, cremation is concise and precise. It is attractive. You can keep Uncle Junior on your mantle or spread Granny's ashes in the wind of the Bahamas. What if cremation didn't cause harm? What if it didn't use high heat of 2000 degrees, use toxic chemicals and give off large emissions into the air we breathe? What if the body was not actually incinerated? Think aquamation - or water creamation. It uses electricity, water, heat of 300 degrees and alkaline as the main chemical that causes the breakdown of the body. It is somewhere between carbon neutral and carbon negative. It is not a violent incinerating act. In some counties, the efluence (wastewater) is used for agricultural purposes. The family still gets the ashes. Thanks to Pacific Interment's Francisco Rivero for a great tour of his aquamation facility in Oakland. He knows that one day traditional crematories will be obsolete due to their environmental impact. He is thinking ahead, knowing demand will grow. Here's to your vision, Francisco!

Is there a lump in your oatmeal or your throat? Here is a litmus test someone in my Death Cafe described as a way to discern the most appropriate response to a situation. I have found this so helpful. I invite you to try it. Ask yourself these three questions about your situation: Is there a lump in my oatmeal? Is there a lump in my throat? Is there a lump in my breast? Today when a little situation regarding plans for my daughter's wedding next week (!) seemed like a lump in my throat, upon further sensing into I found that it was really a lump in my oatmeal. It was so easy to stir and dissolve. Whew! Thankfully there were no metaphorical or actual lumps in my breast in my little world. But in our country and our planet earth, there are sadly many lumps in many breasts. I feel that grief heavily. What lumps are you dealing with?

I came out as sick! Last week I presented my journey to finding wellness for myself as a presenter at the Institute for Behavioral Health and Wellness Training's conference. I named my little workshop 'Becoming a Wise Self Healer'. They operative word is 'becoming'. I have had a lot of health challenges or what I label chronic, complex conditions. I started with hypoglycemic reactions to the standard American diet (SAD) that plagued me in my earliest memories and was compounded by a fall at age 13 when I chipped my coccyx. Thus began lifelong back pain. And my struggle with my weight. About ten years later, in my twenties, a hole in my upper jaw bone expressed itself requiring a year on antibiotics before surgery. The antibiotics caused chronic vaginal and bladder infections and led to systemic candidadiasis. Then I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and interstitial cystitis. The next decade it was cough variant, viral induced asthma, depression, left piriformis injury and pelvic prolapse. For twenty-five years I only had two teeth that touched, causing TMJ and bite problems. Menopause greatly impacted my ability to sleep and made weight gain even easier. I did a lot to help myself: supplements galore, a variety of holistic treatments, conventional doctors, lifestyle change, yoga, mindfulness, pilates, and nutritional adaptations. I approach my health challenges as a detective of sorts. I study functional medicine and integral healing modalities. I am a trained functional medicine health coach. I listen to about 10 webinars a week, keeping abreast of the latest research. I am very excited about regenerative medicine. I am using NAD, hCG, urolithinA, creatine and a new generation of probiotics on top of many of the standard supplements. Things have gotten and continue to get better in my body. I have let go of alot of the shame of having a sluggish body, sluggish metabolism, low libido and chronic pain. Gone are the depression, prolapse, bite problems, and interstitial cystitis. Managed are the back and hip pain for the most part and I am working on the asthmatic cough. My weight is finally right and my libido is just peachy. Becoming a wise, self healer is a journey. It means approaching myself with curiousity and compassion. It means trying a lot of things to see what works. It means joining my body and mind, heart and spirit. What's your self-healing journey like?