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My mom refused morphine for two years! My sweet mom died almost eight years ago at age 94 of COPD. Last week was her birthday and she would be 103 years old. She was on hospice for 2.5 years. The hospice nurses and I spent 2 years trying to get her to use a small, tiny amount of morphine. "It will open up your airways and help you breathe more easily," they said. "Mom, just try it once!" I said, over and over again. She refused. She associated morphine with death. It was impossible to get her permission. I kept trying but without success. Finally, when she really was getting close to the end, about 6 months before she died, she agreed. She did a complete reversal, constantly remarking, "I can't believe how much easier it is to breathe! I have more energy too because I don't have to work so hard to breathe! Why didn't I try this sooner?" I nodded each time she said, so happy she felt the benefits. I even got to tease her a few times about being a stubborn mule. When she took to her deathbed in the last two weeks of her life, she was given larger doses of morphine for pain. She was getting more anxious and agitated at that time. It was harder for her to be soothed. Her bed sores were excruciating. She needed more comfort care in the form of drugs. I made sure the hospice team wasn't giving her so much that she was unconscious, until she seemed ready for that. The last 4 days of her life she was no longer conscious and I was at peace with that. We got to say goodbye and share words of love, and I felt complete. Happy birthday Mom! I miss you! I am happy you died just the way you wanted to!

How do you honor the death anniversary of a loved one? Here is a great hack! In a recent Death Cafe that I facilitate, two women talked about the brilliant, creative and inspiring ways they honor their dead loved ones. One goes to a decidedly unfancy restaurant, eats a simple meal, and tips the unassuming wait person the age her mom would be on the anniversary of her death. That waitress just earned a $100 tip and goodness knows, she needs it. Some years, the same woman has gone through five drive-through windows at fast food restaurants and gives a $20 bill to each person who hands her an order of iced tea. The other woman loads up envelopes with some cash, a poem her son wrote and a little bio about him. She deposits these envelopes at the skate park her son frequented and at a nearby park for people to find. Sometimes she hands them out herself to people she feels will benefit from the gift. I love these ways of honoring and continuing the legacy of our loved ones. They really touch my heart. They are great hacks! I am going to give away ten $20 bills in the next two-three months to honor my mother and my sister, who are coming up on 9-year and 14-year death anniversaries, respectively. Do you have a death anniversary hack? What ideas do you have to honor your dead people?

"My own body cannot help me when death comes. The body cannot help us at death; it, too, will be lost at that moment." This is the Ninth Contemplation and I have written about each of the nine of them the last two weeks.  If you have ever used a disassociating drug, you might have felt a keen separation between your body and your mind. When I had this experience, I understood how true this contemplation is, that my body cannot help me at the time of death. The Nine Contemplations, written in the 11th century by the Buddhist monk and scholar Atisha, addresses the twisting, jeweled path of life and ultimately death. They are a quiet warning of the inevitable and the need for preparation, so that we can go beyond fear and live a fully engaged life. Roshi Joan Halifax wrote about these Contemplations in her book, "Being With Dying". There are so many books on death and dying but I cherish this one as a great companion and teacher. Here is her writing on the Contemplations in full detail: The Nine Contemplations

"You can't take it with you when you die!" Right? What do you want to do with your financial legacy? When my mom died, and by prior arrangement, I got to donate $100,000 from her will to various causes she cared about. I had a great time selecting those nonprofit organizations that best supported the causes she loved.  First, I took care of the tribute gifts: there was the gift to the wonderful hospice that cared for her; the donation to research on breast cancer (her daughter/my sister died from it) and to the Seeing Eye Dogs (her same daughter was visually impaired); and to the Alzheimer's Foundation (her sister died from it); and to the Canavan's Foundation (her niece died from it); and to her deceased husband's synagogue who helped so much at the end of his life. Then, I got to research the best groups for the social causes she believed in. First, I donated to groups supporting abortion rights and women's health. Next was domestic violence, which we experienced in our home at the hands of my father.  I loved giving to a few really interesting efforts to save the environment and to microenterprise groups to help industrious people living in poverty in rural areas in developing countries build small businesses.  I made a donation to a great organization that eliminated people's medical bills that were ruining their lives (each donated dollar erased $100 in medical debt).  There were some small gifts to other progressive causes. And of course, one of the last gifts was to the Museum of Modern Art and the Metropolitan Museum of Art, temples for my mom as a young woman living on her own in NYC. It truly was an honor to know my mom's gifts were helping these great groups survive and hopefully thrive. She left a legacy in the hearts of those of us who loved her - my cousins remind me she was their favorite aunt! - and for the causes she believed in. I want to do something with my resources when I die, that leaves a legacy and serves the causes I believe in. Yes, my kids will have an inheritance, and they are lucky. Inheriting familial money changed my life and allowed me to own a home. But I am excited to support the causes I love. The arts, the environment, progressive politics, conscious dying, Jewish renewal, and holistic health. The Nine Contemplations, written in the 11th century by the Buddhist monk and scholar Atisha, addresses the twisting, jeweled path of life to our ultimate death. They are a quiet warning of the inevitable, and the need for preparation, so that we can go beyond our fear of death and sit with what is true. The Eight Contemplation is apropos here:  "My material resources will be of no use to me." What do you want for your legacy? What causes do you believe in?

I refuse to write New Year's resolutions. Also, I am a little in love with Krista Tippett of "On Being" fame. She possesses the perfect mind meld of spirit and science and matters of the heart. Tippett pivots away from resolutions and towards questions. She offers a way to find our deepest question for the year, and to go on a journey of discovery to find its answer. She draws upon Rilke, another one of my favorite writers, from his "Letters To A Young Poet", "Rilke said, try to be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart. Dwell with what is unresolved. Don't treat it as something that you have to rush to an answer for, because if those questions are big and important enough, what you want is to be able to live the answers that they would give you."  I love this. We need to live these questions and to live with these questions, to know what it would mean to live our way into the answers. This is such a beautiful way to honor our journeys through life, by respecting and honoring the questions we hold deep in our hearts, and by dwelling inside the questions and get to feel them, smell them, touch them, see them, hear them until their answers are revealed to us. Tippett goes on to say, "When a new question rises up in us, stops us in our tracks, [t]hose are pivot points. Those are moments when the possibility of discovery breaks in. So the invitation here is to engage the adventure of a new reverence for the questions that are alive in you, the questions that are alive in the world around you." So often, we rush to find 'the answer'. But form follows function, the medium is the message, the means to the ends is the point, there is no 'there there' without here. She posits, "[N]ot grasping for the first thing that feels like an answer but moving with curiosity towards it and testing it and not feeling like it's a failure if it turns out that what that was meant was to be an investigation." This feels so much more relevant and resonant with me than making resolutions, that I would most likely forget about after a month. I feel focused on the joy of my work as an end of life doula and conscious dying educator. I feel happy with my partner and my kids, one of whom is getting married this year which is so joyful and fun. I love learning blues and swing dance, and reading and screening wonderful works. I love my home. I focus both on my health and on activism. But this year I am moving from sometimes writing to becoming a writer. This has been a slow and solitary evolution, requiring the shedding of copious buckets of doubt. I have joined a writing program for the year.  So my question is, how can I open to all that is in my heart and mind as I grow my writer's voice? I would love to hear your question. Please share it with me in the comments below. Pick up Krista Tippett's book, "Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living" or listen to her podcast, "On Being". She will lift you up.

Sometimes I feel like I am starting my slow slide toward Death.  Actually, I picture it like a Slip and Slide that my kids used to love at a Water Park. Its super fun until it's not. After hours of gleeful shouts and flops, they got tired and cold. Is it weird to think of death that way?  "My loved ones cannot save me. Our loved ones cannot keep us from death; there is no delaying its advent. Holding this thought in mind, I exercise non-grasping." This is the Seventh Contemplation. The Nine Contemplations, written in the 11th century by the Buddhist monk and scholar Atisha, addresses the twisting, jeweled path of life and ultimately death. They are a quiet warning of the inevitable and the need for preparation, so that we can go beyond fear and live a fully engaged life. For me, non-grasping is the key. I cannot control my death. I need to be present and enjoy the ride!

When my spirit becomes homeless, I want it to fly away and achieve true freedom, untethered, unadorned, full of light. Who but Rilke could capture this flight so magnificently? "You, my own deep soul, trust me, I will not betray you. My blood is alive with many voices telling me I am made of longing. What mystery breaks over me now? In its shadow I come into life. For the first time I am alone with you – you, my power to feel." by Reiner Maria Rilke, translated by Joanna Macy and Anita Barrows Happy New Year! Here is to 2026! Here is to freedom! Here is to the spirit!

2025 has been quite a year, right?!  I spent time in fear, in rage, in despair, in hopelessness, and in historical review of ultra-right wing trends. I learned that I needed more than to white knuckle it. A few months in, I began to practice how to relax into the gunk and found two very important gifts. One is joy and the other hope. I am not letting go of hope (joy and hope combined)! I am holding on tightly! They are essential ingredients for what we are cooking! They will help see us through. Andrea Gibson, since their death in July 2025, has become our favorite kitchen table poet. They have exploded in notoriety. Their poems are everywhere. They are full of hope! Here's to growth, and to rage, grief, screaming, and to hope and joy and love and learning! We continue!  Here is a goodbye to 2025 and thank you for the lessons! And to Andrea Gibson for shining the light. To HOPE!

Let's end the new year by anointing ourselves! Let's purify and honor making it through 2025! All you need is one bottle of essential oils- frankincense or myrrh or lavendar or orange, or even oregano or rosemary oils. And a few minutes. Sit in silence for a few minutes, feel yourself center, and then focus your mind on sensing where you need to release energy. You may want to release that energy which is stuck or honor the parts of your being that have been giving you strength and fortitude. Or both. Then, with gratitude, intentionally and ceremoniously touch all these symbolic or actual parts of your body with your finger after putting a drop or two of oil on it. Or Touch the 7 chakras. Or Use the chart below for where to anoint yourself! Enjoy! Goodbye to 2025 and its lessons! Hello to 2026 and all that we will face with eyes and heart and mind wide open! #deathdoula #livingwhiledying #gratitude #anointing #cleansing #releasing #griefandloss #deathanddying

As we end 2025, its useful to look back at the year in review and notice how we fared as evolving beings of light, with an abbreviated version of the five hindrances. The five hindrances can be understood as very common, negative mind sets which hinder us on the spiritual path, as per Buddhist philosophy: The first hindrance is Desire. "Everything will be OK when I get what I want." Is that really true? The second hindrance is Ill Will or Aversion. "I don't want this. I don't like this. This should not be happening." What is the deeper truth underneath? The third hindrance is Sloth and Torpor. "I can't deal. I better go numb or shut down completely." Where does going numb lead us to? The fourth hindrance is Restlessness and Worry. "Something is wrong. I need to fix this. This can't be happening." We must ask if we really are in control of the situation? The fifth hindrance is Doubt. "I must be broken. Maybe I can trust, but if I do, will it all go bad again? I doubt things will work out well for me. They never do." What would it be like to let go of my fear? Personally, I struggle with aversion and doubt, with a little side of worry. What helps me the most is staying present and just getting curious about the hindrances I feel. Where do I feel them in my body? What is it like to feel aversion? Usually by the time I do that, the hindrance has moved on and I am left with the wonderful, glorious present moment. Here is to our wonderful, mixed up, crazy human journey! Let's let go of a bit more of the hindrances in 2026!

Since the day my daughter was born, I was never sure she really wanted to be here. By being here I mean in a body. Alive, embodied, and on the earth. My identical twin daughters weighed 4.1 pounds at birth, born at almost 34 weeks gestation, so they were little rugrats. The first one out of the hatch is known as Baby A and the second one as Baby B. When she and her sister were about two months old, I took them to a Jewish women's group I was part of, meeting on the new moon each month.  A kind woman, leading the group blessing for them, asked me what they were like. What an amazing question, one that affirmed that all of us, including my babies are spirits inhabiting bodies, with lessons we come into this life with and very distinct personalities. I said that her sister, Baby A, was raring to go. She wanted out of the womb, breaking my water after 12 weeks of bedrest, in a staged break-out! I said that she, Baby B, was just very chill, and hadn't decided if she really wanted to be here yet. She was just a bit removed and aloof. One of the first things I learned about being a mom of twins, was not to compare them. But it was clear Baby A wanted to be alive. So in my guilty comparison, Baby B was quite a bit calmer, less prone to crying fits, and held back a bit in her own sweet way.  I have been thinking about that story of her being a baby who exuded ambivalence from the outset lately.  I still see these basic traits in her and it is almost 27 years later. So we were talking one night and I told her the story. Her response was immediate and precise. She said "Sounds right." I was amazed by her ability to accept my point of view. I don't know how much is personality. After all, twin research shows that the social environment of the twinship causes differentiation of behaviors and personality. Maybe its just the samskaras, karma, life questions and life lessons she was born with to work out in her journey this lifetime. Maybe she and her sister are working through some past lifetime stuff. Maybe its just the way she is wired, neurologically-speaking. Maybe its just random and arbitrary. I find her to be a gentle and innocent soul, with a wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor, very quick to deduce and distill the core idea in a conversation, and amazingly spacey, disorganized, with a real lack of executive functioning. I love her madly.

Really now, what matters most to you? Whether we are delving into a deep life review over the decades or considering the shape of our 2025, a few questions can frame our loving conversation with ourselves. This is the frame I use: 1. What mattered most to me (this year)? What gave me joy? What made me feel most alive? When did I have the most energy flowing inside me and experience the most openness to life? For me, there were three top things that made me feel super energized and bouncy with joy: a) growing closer to and spending luscious time with my boyfriend of 2.8 years; b) intentionally devoting more time to writing posts and flirting with writing longer stories; c) leading end of life education experiences with beautiful humans. Just reflecting on these things fill me with gratitude. And there are so many others that I want to add to that list that I feel the richness of my life. On to the next question: 2. What do I want to let go of? What or who am I holding on to? What am I negatively attached to in thought, word or deed? For me, I have alot of stuff here. a) I am letting go of my attachment to being good friends with my kids' dad, since he keeps expressing his lack of interest. It has been 5 years since I finally ended our 23 years of relating and I have had a hard time letting go of wanting to stay connected, especially for our kids. I am ready now. It is time. b) I am also letting go of my belief of how much food I need in a day. I actually need much less than my brain is used to having. I let go of a bit of extra weight just recently in a very intentional way and not only do I feel better in my skin, but in my head. I can eat less and feel better! c) I was able to accept that friendships change as we age. I let go of some friendships that I feel I outgrew and was let go of by other people. I began some new lovely friendships and have hope in some promising connections. I renewed some old friendships. Friendships and community is so important to me and is my chosen family. I feel ready and open to keep learning in this area. d) I also let go of some chronic pain. I was feeling so frustrated by bouts of different joints and muscles in serious pain, chronic UTIs, and hormonal/blood sugar imbalances. In reflecting back over the year, I see so much improvement and resolution that I feel confident letting go of corresponding negative beliefs about my health that keep me stuck. 3. The final question has to do with how I want to align the lessons of the last year with the new year. What intentions and awarenesses do I want to bring with me as I cross the threshold into 2026? I am thrilled to re-affirm my love of deep friendships and relationships with my beautiful, young adult daughters, my partner, my new and old friends. I am looking forward to doing more public teaching and presentations on end of life. I will write more, eat less, feel good in my body. I will stay open to the lessons of the day, every day. Peace.