Search Results

You have heard of FOMO, right? Fear of Missing Out is a real thing. I have pivoted to JOMO, Joy of Missing Out. Yep, I heard it from one of the lovely human who regularly attends my Death Cafe about 2 years ago. And it stuck. Now, instead of saying "No", I can say "I am going JOMO on that event/invitation/plan." I love missing out on otherwise wonderful events with joy. It is not that I do not want to attend, its that I have a conflict or have run out of energy or it does not fit in with my day. And as a senior, I give myself full permission. I don't want to do as much. It makes me stressed, or grouchy, or tired, or agitated. I like picking and choosing what I will do based on my energy, the flow of the day, and interest. But even interest is not enough in and of itself. I wanted to go to a new Sangha meditation group that meets at a time that is not convenient for me. I have had it on my calendar for a few weeks and have not yet being able to attend. But I will. One day. When it is in the flow of the day. I am grateful that it exists. I don't have FOMO about it, and I don't quite have JOMO about it either, but one of these days, I will either feel joy from having attended or from not having attended! If you haven't experienced JOMO yet, trust me that it comes with the turf of being over 60 years of age. It is also a practice you can develop. My brand new son in law is doing just that! What do you feel JOMO about? #deathdoula #healthyaging #FOMO #sayingno

Someone said to me the other day that the three ages of humans are 'youth, maturity and you-look-great'! I chuckled, nodding. They followed with a joke about an elephant standing in the middle of a room with people all around them saying, 'And I am right there and still no one acknowledges me!' That poor elephant! I never thought of its perspective before. But that is not the point. I used to have an elephant collection because they were my favorite animal. Stuffed animal elephants and hand-carved wooden ones, plaster ones and stone ones and metal ones. I only kept two tiny ones that fit in the palm of my hand. Not the point either. In the East, these huge animals are known to be peaceful, stable, kind and compassionate. Elephants are universally revered as symbols of strength, wisdom, stability, and good luck. Because of their deep familial bonds and long lifespans, they also represent loyalty, longevity, and compassionate leadership. I always wanted to be elephant-like. And I always was fond of talking about the elephant in the room. And maybe this particular elephant that I am thinking of today has something to say that I need to hear. Like ease up. Live now. Use your life lessons. Step fully into being a Saging Aging Elder. Love is all that really matters. Maybe being told that I look great when I turn 70 years old next year is going to become the constant elephant in the room. I am going to be officially old to anyone's ears at 70. I still have a pretty good memory, at least for some things. I am constantly reminding friends who are older than me of things we did 5, 10, 30, 40 years ago. I know I too will forget in the coming years. And then who knows what challenges my body will go through. I work hard on my health from my brain health to all my hormones including thyroid, to my bone health, to my mitochondria, to my muscles, and heart, lung, liver, bladder and on. But still, I am aware that life is uncertain and things can change in an instant. And that is the nature of our human lives. I think of the Nine Contemplations. Our life span is ever-decreasing. We are of the nature to decline. We are of the nature to forget. Our loved ones cannot save us. Our bodies cannot save us. Everything will be stripped away. We are of the nature to die. Whether it is aging or death that is the elephant in the room, I hope to stay steady in my spiritual practice and my ability to accept the nature of things. I am aware that I am on a one-way street and that things that were so important to me at one time now seem like silly attachments. Now I focus on the love and the joy and the present moment. I want to take my looking-good enough self and march right into the next decade with that proverbial elephant laughing at my side. Are you young, mature or looking good?

I finally have something to put on my bucket list! Here it is: Making friends with Time. Having time. Taking time. Enjoying the time I have. I have always had a strained relationship with time. I had to make every second count. I had to do three things at once. There was never enough time so I had to be super fast and uber efficient and super productive. Now I just want to have a friendly relationship with time. I don't want to be too busy. I don't want to multi-task. I don't want to worry about wasting time. I want to be present for each moment. I want to be easier about what I do with my days. This is the gift of being an elder. I am on the time-as-friend path. It took me about 4 years to decompress from 50 years of being hyper-scheduled and squeezing time. It took me another 3 years to lighten up on my sense of accomplishment and productivity. Now I schedule much less. I read more. I write more. I meditate more. I take more breaks. I watch more. I listen more. I get to learn more. This week I tried scheduling even less. I jammed in less. I wasted 10 minutes here and there. I let cooking and eating take as long as they took without rushing. I stopped and watered the lettuce without rushing back to my office. I didn't make myself finish the book or the tv show that I was not enjoying. I started writing again. I prioritized time with my loved ones. I did not begrudge doing errands or the traffic. I even got my nails done for the first time in a year. Time. Time can be calm and quiet and guide me inward. Time can be peaceful. I know Time will run out for me one day. Just letting myself luxuriate in it and befriend it makes me feel rich. I am grateful that I get to experience time as my friend and guide. What is your relationship with time?

How are things with your spirit? Someone asked me this the other day and I was touched. What a thoughtful question. And so wonderfully open to interpretation. My spirit has been soaring of late. After 15 months of engagement and planning, my daughter married two weeks ago and everything went so beautifully! It was perfect! I was so proud of my daughters and so grateful for dear friends and family to share it with, and for the lessons that linger. I am at peace with time and slowing down! I never knew my days could be so enjoyable. I am doing less and enjoying more. I am making more room for the things that make my heart sing, from end of life work and third act retirement coaching, to meditation and a new sangha, to west coast swing dancing, to live music (Bob Dylan last night!) to reading books and writing one (hopefully) to watching/streaming great film and episodic tv. Then there are friends, my kids, my partner, my health, walking in nature, working out and caring for my 104 year old house. Donating time and funds to be of service rounds it all out, in my attempt to manage my rage at the political situation and find some measure of hope and compassion. I never just lived before, without striving, without reaching for more, without organizing and producing, without some angst about it all! I bought a new painting yesterday that humorously depicts the utter ennui- as my friend calls it- of our times. Can't wait to hang it! I am so grateful for all. There have been many hard years. The easy ones are well earned and deeply cherished. Love makes it all sweet! How is your spirit doing? Are you feeling fully alive?

When it comes to what they want to happen to their bodies after their death, most people prefer cremation. Despite what you might expect, the idea of being buried in a big expensive casket and put deep into the ground, does not appeal to everyone. Nowadays, it’s hard for many folks to get to visit graveside. Keeping your loved one's cremains in an urn feels sacred. It is also very convenient and flexible whether you want to keep or spread those ashes on a mountain top at sunset. You don't have to visit the cemetery if you live far away. You can keep the ashes with you. You don't have to pay for a traditional burial which is well over $10,000 for basic amenities. You don't have to worry about the carbon footprint you are leaving. Of course, there are other alternatives to traditional burial. Like natural burial, in a shroud, or basket or plain pine box in a dug grave that has no concrete, no large casket, no toxic chemicals. Like human composting which over 8-12 weeks morphs a body into soil. Still, cremation is concise and precise. It is attractive. You can keep Uncle Junior on your mantle or spread Granny's ashes in the wind of the Bahamas. What if cremation didn't cause harm? What if it didn't use high heat of 2000 degrees, use toxic chemicals and give off large emissions into the air we breathe? What if the body was not actually incinerated? Think aquamation - or water creamation. It uses electricity, water, heat of 300 degrees and alkaline as the main chemical that causes the breakdown of the body. It is somewhere between carbon neutral and carbon negative. It is not a violent incinerating act. In some counties, the efluence (wastewater) is used for agricultural purposes. The family still gets the ashes. Thanks to Pacific Interment's Francisco Rivero for a great tour of his aquamation facility in Oakland. He knows that one day traditional crematories will be obsolete due to their environmental impact. He is thinking ahead, knowing demand will grow. Here's to your vision, Francisco!

Is there a lump in your oatmeal or your throat? Here is a litmus test someone in my Death Cafe described as a way to discern the most appropriate response to a situation. I have found this so helpful. I invite you to try it. Ask yourself these three questions about your situation: Is there a lump in my oatmeal? Is there a lump in my throat? Is there a lump in my breast? Today when a little situation regarding plans for my daughter's wedding next week (!) seemed like a lump in my throat, upon further sensing into I found that it was really a lump in my oatmeal. It was so easy to stir and dissolve. Whew! Thankfully there were no metaphorical or actual lumps in my breast in my little world. But in our country and our planet earth, there are sadly many lumps in many breasts. I feel that grief heavily. What lumps are you dealing with?

I came out as sick! Last week I presented my journey to finding wellness for myself as a presenter at the Institute for Behavioral Health and Wellness Training's conference. I named my little workshop 'Becoming a Wise Self Healer'. They operative word is 'becoming'. I have had a lot of health challenges or what I label chronic, complex conditions. I started with hypoglycemic reactions to the standard American diet (SAD) that plagued me in my earliest memories and was compounded by a fall at age 13 when I chipped my coccyx. Thus began lifelong back pain. And my struggle with my weight. About ten years later, in my twenties, a hole in my upper jaw bone expressed itself requiring a year on antibiotics before surgery. The antibiotics caused chronic vaginal and bladder infections and led to systemic candidadiasis. Then I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and interstitial cystitis. The next decade it was cough variant, viral induced asthma, depression, left piriformis injury and pelvic prolapse. For twenty-five years I only had two teeth that touched, causing TMJ and bite problems. Menopause greatly impacted my ability to sleep and made weight gain even easier. I did a lot to help myself: supplements galore, a variety of holistic treatments, conventional doctors, lifestyle change, yoga, mindfulness, pilates, and nutritional adaptations. I approach my health challenges as a detective of sorts. I study functional medicine and integral healing modalities. I am a trained functional medicine health coach. I listen to about 10 webinars a week, keeping abreast of the latest research. I am very excited about regenerative medicine. I am using NAD, hCG, urolithinA, creatine and a new generation of probiotics on top of many of the standard supplements. Things have gotten and continue to get better in my body. I have let go of alot of the shame of having a sluggish body, sluggish metabolism, low libido and chronic pain. Gone are the depression, prolapse, bite problems, and interstitial cystitis. Managed are the back and hip pain for the most part and I am working on the asthmatic cough. My weight is finally right and my libido is just peachy. Becoming a wise, self healer is a journey. It means approaching myself with curiousity and compassion. It means trying a lot of things to see what works. It means joining my body and mind, heart and spirit. What's your self-healing journey like?

What is the antidote to shame? It is self compassion. Makes sense, right? As an end of life doula, I sometimes work with people who are dealing with a lot of regret, which is all tied up with deep shame. According to Kristin Neff, guru of all things compassion, "We can see why when we consider the three core components of self-compassion and their opposites, which are mindfulness vs. over-identification, common humanity vs. isolation, and kindness vs. judgment." Shame takes us over so completely, that there is no room for compassion. Mindfulness practice helps create spaciousness so that we can find our way back to opening our compassionate heart. When we are in a shame spiral, we self-isolate because we 'other' ourselves. We are sure we are so bad that there is no room for us in the sea of humanity. We keep ourselves apart, which only perpetuates the shame. Reaching out to a caring person, who understands that it is human to feel these emotions, helps stop the isolation and bring us back to our own humanity. Treating ourselves with kindness helps stop the attacking, judging, critical voice within. We soothe ourselves with kindness; we paint our aching heart and brain with the color of kindness; we reach to mindfulness with kindness. We find our way back to ourselves. As we prepare our hearts and minds for end of life, may we become skillful in self-compassion, treating ourselves with loving compassion and knowing that we are fundamentally good. May our practice of mindfulness aid our journeys to self compassion.

Did hospice really kill your brother? I hear things like this often. That hospice overmedicated a loved one who died from too much of a painkiller like morphine. Or that hospice didn't seek to revive their parent when they coded. Or that hospice wasn't available when they were needed the most. I want to say hospice is an incredible service, available for free for all residents of the USA. It has the honor of being one of the rare bills signed into law on its first try. (Most take many times and must concede changes to the original proposed legislation.) Hospice is there to help support the dying person's natural journey to death with comfort care and comfort medicine. Hospice does not seek to prolong life. Nor does it seek to hasten death. Yes, sometimes hospice could give less pain meds, tailored according to the dying person's and the family's wishes. Yes, hospice as a movement was in general more mission-driven and incredible when it was mostly housed in the non-profit sector. But it still is amazing. Many hospice nurses are beloved as angels by the surviving families. Yes, many hospices, especially private agencies, have a high census and hospice nurses have too large of a patient load, thereby reducing the time they have with each patient. Still, hospice is an important and wonderful service. You get to pick the hospice in your area that you want. You can tell them what you or the dying person wants and doesn't want. Find a hospice that will work with you. You have the right to inform hospice of your or your dying person's wishes at the end of life and plan for how hospice can help. Find a hospice nurse who gets it. You can bring in an end of life doula, like myself, to support hospice's efforts and provide emotional support for long periods of time. Find a death doula near you. If the dying person qualifies, hospice may support medical aid in dying. If your doctor says you have 6 months or less to live, and you live in a state where MAID is legal, you will find support. Death for 90% is not primarily a medical event. It is an emotional-spiritual-extraordinary human event. Working together, we can help towards death acceptance, comfort and greater ease. We cannot control sickness or when death occurs, but we can provide help and support. Let hospice and end of life doulas support you.

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went from every week to 3x a month. We have wonderful folks who have been with us the entire time and we are always welcoming new folks. A big shout out to Ken Ross, Susan, Christine, Frances, Alijah for their behind the scenes support! And to the regulars including Jan, Hugh, David, Josh, Anne, Adelaide, LilliAnn, Gina, Cathy! And to the folks from Pattagonia, England, Ireland, Portugal and India! And to all the folks who drop in! Thanks for the vulnerable sharing, for teaching me about the grief in every day things, for reminding me that when we come together in community and share, we can overcome anything. This has been my sacred community, a place of respite and calm, a place of deep caring and deep listening, a place for healing. A mil gracias! Here's to 6 more!

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair   Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings.  1. Protect Cultural Identity  Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices.  Advocate for cultural accommodations.  Protection begins with honoring that culture is not an accessory to care; it is central to it.  2. Safeguard Language Access  Ensure professional interpreters are used (not just family members).  Slow down conversations so informed consent is truly informed.  Confirm understanding gently and respectfully.  3. Advocate for Equitable Pain Management  Research consistently shows disparities in pain treatment across racial and marginalized groups.  Help clients articulate their pain experience.  Encourage consistent reassessment.  Support documentation and follow-up when pain concerns are dismissed.  4. Protect Decision-Making Autonomy  In medical settings, urgency can overshadow agency.  Clarify the client’s values and goals ahead of meetings.  Help families prepare questions.  Pause conversations when they feel rushed. 5. Affirm LGBTQIA+ Identity and Chosen Family  Hospitals may default to legal or biological definitions of family.  Ensure chosen family is recognized.  Advocate for correct names and pronouns.  Intervene gently if identity is misrepresented.  6. Preserve Spiritual and Religious Practices  Coordinate clergy or spiritual leaders.  Protect time and space for prayer, chanting, silence, or sacred objects.  Spiritual care is not optional at the end of life; it is essential.  7. Protect Privacy and Modesty  Hospital routines can unintentionally strip away privacy.  Ensure curtains are closed.  Advocate for gender-congruent caregivers when possible.  Support modesty preferences.  8. Center Disability Justice  Interrupt ableist narratives.  Clarify that disability does not equal diminished worth.  Support accessible communication and positioning.  Justice means challenging harmful assumptions.  9. Buffer Emotional Overload  Hospitals can feel clinical and impersonal.  Bring grounding practices into sterile spaces.  Use soft voice, intentional touch (with consent), and breath.  Help families process medical information emotionally.  10. Create Micro-Spaces of Belonging  Even in public systems, belonging can be cultivated.  Bring familiar objects from home.  Play meaningful music.  Tell stories of the person’s life in front of staff.  Remind everyone in the room: this is a whole human being.  Belonging transforms rooms.  The end-of-life doula becomes a bridge gently connecting personhood with policy, humanity with healthcare, and sacred experience with structured care.  Respectfully excerpted from NEDA, Vol. 77, March 26