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I came out as sick! Last week I presented my journey to finding wellness for myself as a presenter at the Institute for Behavioral Health and Wellness Training's conference. I named my little workshop 'Becoming a Wise Self Healer'. They operative word is 'becoming'. I have had a lot of health challenges or what I label chronic, complex conditions. I started with hypoglycemic reactions to the standard American diet (SAD) that plagued me in my earliest memories and was compounded by a fall at age 13 when I chipped my coccyx. Thus began lifelong back pain. And my struggle with my weight. About ten years later, in my twenties, a hole in my upper jaw bone expressed itself requiring a year on antibiotics before surgery. The antibiotics caused chronic vaginal and bladder infections and led to systemic candidadiasis. Then I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and interstitial cystitis. The next decade it was cough variant, viral induced asthma, depression, left piriformis injury and pelvic prolapse. For twenty-five years I only had two teeth that touched, causing TMJ and bite problems. Menopause greatly impacted my ability to sleep and made weight gain even easier. I did a lot to help myself: supplements galore, a variety of holistic treatments, conventional doctors, lifestyle change, yoga, mindfulness, pilates, and nutritional adaptations. I approach my health challenges as a detective of sorts. I study functional medicine and integral healing modalities. I am a trained functional medicine health coach. I listen to about 10 webinars a week, keeping abreast of the latest research. I am very excited about regenerative medicine. I am using NAD, hCG, urolithinA, creatine and a new generation of probiotics on top of many of the standard supplements. Things have gotten and continue to get better in my body. I have let go of alot of the shame of having a sluggish body, sluggish metabolism, low libido and chronic pain. Gone are the depression, prolapse, bite problems, and interstitial cystitis. Managed are the back and hip pain for the most part and I am working on the asthmatic cough. My weight is finally right and my libido is just peachy. Becoming a wise, self healer is a journey. It means approaching myself with curiousity and compassion. It means trying a lot of things to see what works. It means joining my body and mind, heart and spirit. What's your self-healing journey like?

What is the antidote to shame? It is self compassion. Makes sense, right? As an end of life doula, I sometimes work with people who are dealing with a lot of regret, which is all tied up with deep shame. According to Kristin Neff, guru of all things compassion, "We can see why when we consider the three core components of self-compassion and their opposites, which are mindfulness vs. over-identification, common humanity vs. isolation, and kindness vs. judgment." Shame takes us over so completely, that there is no room for compassion. Mindfulness practice helps create spaciousness so that we can find our way back to opening our compassionate heart. When we are in a shame spiral, we self-isolate because we 'other' ourselves. We are sure we are so bad that there is no room for us in the sea of humanity. We keep ourselves apart, which only perpetuates the shame. Reaching out to a caring person, who understands that it is human to feel these emotions, helps stop the isolation and bring us back to our own humanity. Treating ourselves with kindness helps stop the attacking, judging, critical voice within. We soothe ourselves with kindness; we paint our aching heart and brain with the color of kindness; we reach to mindfulness with kindness. We find our way back to ourselves. As we prepare our hearts and minds for end of life, may we become skillful in self-compassion, treating ourselves with loving compassion and knowing that we are fundamentally good. May our practice of mindfulness aid our journeys to self compassion.

Did hospice really kill your brother? I hear things like this often. That hospice overmedicated a loved one who died from too much of a painkiller like morphine. Or that hospice didn't seek to revive their parent when they coded. Or that hospice wasn't available when they were needed the most. I want to say hospice is an incredible service, available for free for all residents of the USA. It has the honor of being one of the rare bills signed into law on its first try. (Most take many times and must concede changes to the original proposed legislation.) Hospice is there to help support the dying person's natural journey to death with comfort care and comfort medicine. Hospice does not seek to prolong life. Nor does it seek to hasten death. Yes, sometimes hospice could give less pain meds, tailored according to the dying person's and the family's wishes. Yes, hospice as a movement was in general more mission-driven and incredible when it was mostly housed in the non-profit sector. But it still is amazing. Many hospice nurses are beloved as angels by the surviving families. Yes, many hospices, especially private agencies, have a high census and hospice nurses have too large of a patient load, thereby reducing the time they have with each patient. Still, hospice is an important and wonderful service. You get to pick the hospice in your area that you want. You can tell them what you or the dying person wants and doesn't want. Find a hospice that will work with you. You have the right to inform hospice of your or your dying person's wishes at the end of life and plan for how hospice can help. Find a hospice nurse who gets it. You can bring in an end of life doula, like myself, to support hospice's efforts and provide emotional support for long periods of time. Find a death doula near you. If the dying person qualifies, hospice may support medical aid in dying. If your doctor says you have 6 months or less to live, and you live in a state where MAID is legal, you will find support. Death for 90% is not primarily a medical event. It is an emotional-spiritual-extraordinary human event. Working together, we can help towards death acceptance, comfort and greater ease. We cannot control sickness or when death occurs, but we can provide help and support. Let hospice and end of life doulas support you.

I love hearing what people regret as they turn towards the end of their lives. I know that is where the lessons are. The holding on, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the letting go. The regret reveals what we truly care about, what values we hold dear, and who we love. Regrets are not to be feared but to be explored and embraced as our teachers.

Happy Anniversary to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for 6 years of virtual death cafes! It has been my honor to be the facilitator of these sweet and supportive conversations about death and dying, grief and loss, for all this time, along with powerhouse Susan Barber. We used to do it every week after the pandemic began and we kept that up for about two years. Then Susan moved on and I became the host with her subbing for me at times. Slowly we went from every week to 3x a month. We have wonderful folks who have been with us the entire time and we are always welcoming new folks. A big shout out to Ken Ross, Susan, Christine, Frances, Alijah for their behind the scenes support! And to the regulars including Jan, Hugh, David, Josh, Anne, Adelaide, LilliAnn, Gina, Cathy! And to the folks from Pattagonia, England, Ireland, Portugal and India! And to all the folks who drop in! Thanks for the vulnerable sharing, for teaching me about the grief in every day things, for reminding me that when we come together in community and share, we can overcome anything. This has been my sacred community, a place of respite and calm, a place of deep caring and deep listening, a place for healing. A mil gracias! Here's to 6 more!

When Private Life Becomes Public By Michelle Thornhill, DEIJ Committee Chair   Through a DEIJB lens, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Justice, and Belonging, we recognize that dignity is not automatically preserved in institutional systems. Ten Powerful Ways we can protect our clients when care transitions from home into hospital or facility settings.  1. Protect Cultural Identity  Ask about rituals, foods, touch, music, modesty, and spiritual practices.  Advocate for cultural accommodations.  Protection begins with honoring that culture is not an accessory to care; it is central to it.  2. Safeguard Language Access  Ensure professional interpreters are used (not just family members).  Slow down conversations so informed consent is truly informed.  Confirm understanding gently and respectfully.  3. Advocate for Equitable Pain Management  Research consistently shows disparities in pain treatment across racial and marginalized groups.  Help clients articulate their pain experience.  Encourage consistent reassessment.  Support documentation and follow-up when pain concerns are dismissed.  4. Protect Decision-Making Autonomy  In medical settings, urgency can overshadow agency.  Clarify the client’s values and goals ahead of meetings.  Help families prepare questions.  Pause conversations when they feel rushed. 5. Affirm LGBTQIA+ Identity and Chosen Family  Hospitals may default to legal or biological definitions of family.  Ensure chosen family is recognized.  Advocate for correct names and pronouns.  Intervene gently if identity is misrepresented.  6. Preserve Spiritual and Religious Practices  Coordinate clergy or spiritual leaders.  Protect time and space for prayer, chanting, silence, or sacred objects.  Spiritual care is not optional at the end of life; it is essential.  7. Protect Privacy and Modesty  Hospital routines can unintentionally strip away privacy.  Ensure curtains are closed.  Advocate for gender-congruent caregivers when possible.  Support modesty preferences.  8. Center Disability Justice  Interrupt ableist narratives.  Clarify that disability does not equal diminished worth.  Support accessible communication and positioning.  Justice means challenging harmful assumptions.  9. Buffer Emotional Overload  Hospitals can feel clinical and impersonal.  Bring grounding practices into sterile spaces.  Use soft voice, intentional touch (with consent), and breath.  Help families process medical information emotionally.  10. Create Micro-Spaces of Belonging  Even in public systems, belonging can be cultivated.  Bring familiar objects from home.  Play meaningful music.  Tell stories of the person’s life in front of staff.  Remind everyone in the room: this is a whole human being.  Belonging transforms rooms.  The end-of-life doula becomes a bridge gently connecting personhood with policy, humanity with healthcare, and sacred experience with structured care.  Respectfully excerpted from NEDA, Vol. 77, March 26

The Dreaded "D" Word: Downsizing! Are You Dreading Downsizing But Know its Next? Never mind the estimated $27 trillion to $46 trillion in assets transferring to millenials the Great Wealth Transfer. We are focusing on the "The Great Stuff Transfer" and "The Baby Boom Stuff Avalanche." You know you are getting to the time where you must move to a smaller place. Every time the thought crosses your mind, you feel overwhelmed, and so you keep putting it off. Or maybe you are the family caregiver who knows you must help your elder parent downsize and move. How to approach such a huge task? How to handle the emotions and logistics and huge size of the task? Let's dig in and figure out how to eat this elephant, one bite at a time! Presentation and discussion. Tuesday, April 7, 10am-11am PT/ 1pm-2pm ET Registration is through my email or DM me at rhyhalpern@gmail.com . Join me! It will be light and fun !

Big humungous enormous overwhelming grief and Little itty bitty moments of joy. That is how it seems to go at the beginning, right after a profound loss. And though the grief may never change in size or color or shape, slowly, over time, there will be more and bigger moments of joy, surrounding, cushioning, buoying, billowing the grief. It might be a hearty guffaw, a moment of delight, a splendid afternoon, an unexpected reprieve from the grief. I have been so moved on social media, following Megan Falley, recent widow of poet extraordinaire Andrea Gibson, who died in July 2025, as she moves with her grief. She leads and grief follows and then they switch. Megan is doing this grief dance in public, on tour with their film, "Come See Me in the Good Light." She says, "I am grieving in public. I am crying on stages. My pain is not hidden in shadows. It is spotlit. And so I am having the inverse experience of loss. Rather than people saying Andrea’s name less and less, they are saying it more and more." When she meets someone, they already know Andrea died. Megan doesn't have to tell them or answer uncomfortable questions or worry about what is appropriate to share. The door is wide open. Grief is welcomed in. Grief is flowing in each auditorium and community center and theatre Megan goes to. She is held by everyone. Her heart is wide open. She knows grief and she knows joy. They are becoming interwoven as she grieves openly. What would it be like if we could all grieve freely and openly? #deathdoula #andreagipson #meganfalley #griefandloss #deathanddying #cancer

Ahh, the wisdom of being a Wise Elder: "When you are old, devotions, rituals, icons, they fall away; you go straight to the heart."- 87 year old woman and widow. Going straight to the heart, coming straight from the heart. This is what matters. The closer we get to death, the more we know this truism. Everything else falls away. It doesn't matter what we did or how well we did it. All that matters is did we love fully and openly? Did we keep our hearts open? There have been so many times when my heart has been closed. It happens slowly or suddenly. The difference is now my intent is to stay open. I have noticed that people who are dying usually are very open hearted. They have so much love to give and receive. When there heart is closed, it is very tough to penetrate. I hope my heart is open when I am at my end days. Do you?

"Kiss the joy as it flies..." This is a line from a famous poem titled "Eternity" by William Blake. Someone in my Death Cafe today said she always hated that line in the poem because she wants to hold on to the joy. She wants to keep it close to her. She wants to hold it so tight that it can't leave her. But she also said she knows that isn't how joy works. That it is by nature ephemeral. That it is fleeting. That it can't be restrained or tied down or it will surely die. That by letting go and releasing it, there is more of it for everyone. Joy is free. Joy must feel free. Same with love.

"Whatever" upon waking. "Oh well" upon going to sleep. This is how the lovely writer and speaker extraordinaire Annie Lamott describes her daily mantras. But, as we know, she meant something more profound. She is certainly not cavalier about her day, her work, her life. Here's what I think she meant: We do the best we can. Every day. We plan. We show up. We consider. We try to be better. We choose. We move on. Sometimes it works out well. And sometimes our efforts are not successful. We are reminded to let go of attachment to the results. All we can do is our best. Some things are outside of our control. Things have an energy of their own. The point is to show up fully and give it our all, and then let go of attachment to the outcome. Its what the Buddhists call 'metta' or approximately, 'good will'. The mantra of 'whatever' and 'oh well' is code for we are doing our best, without aversion or attachment or suffering; with the intention to be kind to all beings, to spread good will to all beings, and to remember to include ourselves! What do you think?

“I would say that happiness is the sweetness of desiring what you have, fully aware of its fragility, its brevity and its limits. Happiness isn’t the absence of sadness, but the capacity to hold reality without needing it to be otherwise.” This quote by Stephen Grosz makes my heart happy. I have always felt that the word 'contentment' captures the sweetness of desiring what I have.  Likewise, I have always felt that the word 'acceptance' means to hold reality without needing it to be otherwise. The idea that these peaceful states are in fact happiness is new to me. And exciting. When people ask me how can I do the work of being with the dying, I think that perhaps I am comfortable with the uncomfortable.  But maybe its more that it brings me into that quiet, peaceful state of happiness.