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People are writing their own obituaries before they die. There are a handful of common questions obituary writing guides often ask. But my favorite one is 'who will miss you the most'. I think of who I miss the most and by far it is my mom, with her unconditional, unwavering love. I try to give that to my kids and think they will miss having my love the way I miss having my mom's love. I miss her in a sweet, loving way. And that seems right, fair, in alignment with life's natural laws.  But I also miss Shauna, my college friend who was brutally raped and murdered by the Marin County Trail Killer way back in 1981. I miss her in a painful, gut wrenching way because she didn't get to live out her life because someone's sick and perverse will overpowered her beautiful and kind spirit.  Who else will miss me? I have a small group of people who I love very much and it is a toss up as to who will die before me. My partner and I talk sometimes about me dying before he does and I love his ideas for caring for me at the end. I am all for that.  But its the random moments of connections with people that I don't know well or even at all that I will miss the most; the person on the train who was reading about Nietsche, the student in my class, the auto mechanic, the cook at my favorite taqueria, the person in line next to me at Sprouts who also loves chai, the end of life client, my new doula friend. Its that chance to share kindness, love, or a closeness designed to remind us that indeed, we are all just walking each other home. I would love to hear, who will miss you the most?

When I read Anne Sexton's quote "Put Your Ear Down Close to Your Soul and Listen," I must admit that I am an end of life doula for selfish reasons.  Do you agree that the act of listening is the most sacred act we can do? Whether for ourselves or others, that deep listening puts us in touch with the purest part of our humanity. That is what compels me to this end of life work. I love the listening. Listening to what is being said and not being said. Listening to what is felt. “The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is."   Parker Palmer Deep listening is an honor.  Witnessing is an honor. Holding the space is an honor. It feeds my soul. My spirit yearns for it. What does your spirit yearn for?

Do you trust your people to carry out your wishes at the time of your death? As an end of life doula, I hear people express a few common needs: that their kids can accept their death; that they will respect their wishes about how they want to die; that they won't fight with each other about their differences of opinion about death and dying. The beautiful thing about an advanced care directive and/or end of life plan is that your expression of your wishes at the end of life is the most important guide, supplanting any differing opinions within your family group. You want to know your wishes will be respected and followed, whatever they are. This is such a gift to them because it helps them not to fight about decisions and to work together to achieve the common goal of giving you what you want this very sacred, last time. I had a client who had two siblings who did not agree with her approach, even though she was carrying out her dad's wishes. She held her tongue often, wanting to ensure her brothers' voices were heard and that after her dad's death, the siblings would stay connected. She was able to give her dad what he wanted which was to die knowing his kids were accepting of his wishes and would stay close. My role was to hold the space with them so they could talk it through before their dad's death. I love getting to be a compassionate and neutral support person to families as they anticipate their loved one's death. In this case it was three siblings and their dad.  They showed me that with just a little help they could listen to each other and disagree and hold their conflict with love. After their dad died, none of their disagreements mattered any more. They could breathe again. What they feared happened and they were okay. They were showered within and without with love. So much of what is happening in the last phase before death is the anticipation of the loss. It's not really about the conflict between people. It's about the fear of the unknown.  And doesn't that make your heart flood open with compassion?

As we approach the end of our lives, our outside world may become smaller but our interior world can grow very large. In our elder years, we have the chance to experience a deeper freedom in our heart, mind and spirit.  Outer things and people fall away and we learn to be with ourselves in a whole new way.  We may also be dealing with sickness and decline; but still we have opportunities for growth in our awareness. We can dive in to complete unfinished emotional repair, releasing old pain, hurts and regrets.  We can choose to know true forgiveness. Self acceptance calls to us at very deeper level. Our minds are quieter; and unnecessary internal noise is easier to dismiss. We are free to unleash our creativity. We engage in activism and service. We have renewed energy to play, appreciate beauty, and know gratitude. Our spiritual path strengthens and deepens. I don't mean its easy or even simple. I mean its messy and complex and hard and so worth it.  We are preparing our selves for the next big thing. And on our way, we experience an amazing peace.

There are more than 11 million widows and 3 million widowers in the U.S. Most are 65 or older.  Many people who have lost a partner want to date again.  They hold the loss of their partner close, while addressing the grief and their needs. They will never forget their person. They are finding their life-affirming way after profound loss. Perhaps their partner had encouraged them to love again.  Maybe they crave romantic intimacy.  And the emotional support that comes with that connection. Maybe they have doubts about society's standards regarding an acceptable time to 'move on'? Maybe they haven't dated for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or more decades.  Here is what I want to say to them: "Go for it! Have fun! Enjoy!  I know you still hold their beloved close. I know you still grieve.  You are here among the living, so live exactly how you want to! This is your Third Act! Don't worry if someone else is uptight about it. Let your happiness and focus win them over. Cut them some slack for not cutting you more slack.  And just enjoy the heck out of these steps forward. Its all good!" Are you a widow or widower ready to date again? I would love to hear your thoughts.

"A wise old Buddhist nun and a few younger ones came upon a huge boulder while out for a walk one day. "Do you think that rock is heavy?" asked the old nun. The younger ones replied, "Of course!"The old nun laughed. "Not if you don't pick it up!" she said." One day last week I unexpectedly picked up the rock. It was extremely heavy, replete with cortisol pumping through my system and a PTSD flare triggered by being lied to.  I hate being lied to. With a passion. It makes me nuts. It has destroyed me in the past. I came back into my body stronger than ever, having experienced the gift of resilience.  Besides from gratitude I feel the keen awareness that I never want to go through that again and need to protect myself. I can't take on people's stuff.  I will never pick up that rock again!

If you were suffering with a terminal illness and did not qualify for end of life medications, would you go to Switzerland? Many people do choose to go to Switzerland, where medical aid in dying is legal.  In fact, the demand is so high that some inventors have created this unique pod for people who are medically approved. It is kind of tough to consider, right? For me, too.  Let's talk about it. I would love to hear your thoughts. BBC Article : Maker of suicide pod plans to launch in Switzerland Follow up Barrons Article : US Woman Dies in Controversial Suicide Capsule in Switzerland

What does your life look like in weeks?  If you could see a chart that represented 90 years of human life, where would you fall on it? What would you feel about the amount of time you have lived and the projected time you have left? You can create your own life in dots chart here . If you are 50 years old this week, it would look like this:

With about 11 million employees in the US 65 years old or older, or about 7% of all workers, the workforce in this country has a wider age span than ever before. This trend shows signs of increasing, due to financial needs of people who are living longer than ever before. What does it mean for the workplace? It means two important things. First, younger workers can benefit from the acquired wisdom of life and work that older workers exhibit. They may know a thing or two about work life balance. They may know about managing stress due to their earned understanding of what really matters. They may be a surprising contingent of support for family medical leave and paid leave for new mothers. They just may add a lot of rich textures including balance, equanimity, and quiet confidence, to work teams and enrich the culture of any organization. Second, they may bring younger workers face to face with serious illness, death and grief, since the rate of illness and death is comparatively higher amongst people who are 65 and older, than people who are younger. The workplace still has a long way to go to be truly accepting and comfortable with the reality of employees or their loved ones living and dying with terminal illness; with the impact of death and dying of a staff person or their loved ones on the workplace; and with the way grief settles in the workplace like a dewy cloak of sorrow. We can become more comfortable with sickness and death and its impact at work, just like we have made cultural shifts about health and wellness, addiction, harassment and mental health awareness. It is the next frontier. We can get better at embracing its presence and sitting with each other in and through it. We can learn to listen more deeply and kindly. We can find our way through the uncomfortable feelings. Let's take the first step. What do you think helps?

I like the ritual of gently washing the human body after death. Jewish tradition calls this ritualized body washing and purification Tahara. Tahara is a sacred act and puts me in touch with the very powerful ideas around the Jewish soul, which can be seen as divided into three: The Nefesh is considered the vital principle, life force. The Ruach is known as the spirit, governing the intellect and moral values. The Neshamah is defined as the highest level of the soul, the divine spark. Tahara often leads me to wonder when the soul leaves the body after death. Of course, this question has been pondered by many religions, philosophers and wonderers. Some traditions believe it leaves immediately. The Buddhists tend to think the soul is in the bardos- the in between place- for up to 30 days after death. Jewish tradition believes that the Nefesh stays in the body for 3-7 days after death.  When the soul leaves the body, Its departure can be hard or easy depending on the level of attachment of the soul to the physical world.  The soul is considered immortal and reincarnation is loosely considered as a way for the soul to fulfill itself, provide tikkun olam (repair of the world), or achieve perfection. I love being part of a ritual that is design to help the soul leave the purified body and be on its way to whatever is next. When do you think the soul leaves the body? “The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is."                                    Parker Palmer

Death Literacy. This newish term keeps coming up. For me, it means we can talk about death, we can plan for our death, we can talk about our plans with our people, we can find another route if we don't have a person, we can listen to our people talk about their plans. It means we have an advanced care directive and a health care proxy. It means we know what we want to happen with our bodies after our death; it means we know what we want to happen to our stuff after our death, it means we have made our financial plans clear. It may mean we have done some life review or a legacy project or an ethical will, contemplating what we leave behind. It means we are open to a sense of ease about all things death and dying in how we think, talk and feel. Onward!

Talking about death a lot makes me less afraid of dying. I have been leading Death Cafes online for the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Mission Hospice for more than 4.5 years. They are open, supportive conversations about all things death and dying. We may sip on tea and have a bite of cake. Around 6 people have been with me from the beginning, almost every Tuesday morning for 90 minutes. The one thing we all nod our head in unison about is that we each feel less afraid of death because we have normalized talking about death in our lives. We didn't necessarily aim to be less afraid. It simply was an outcome of showing up. We talk about the death of loved ones - by accidental overdose, suicide, cancer, old age - and hold the space for that pain. We talk about the hard and soft places within ourselves as we navigate finding our way without them. We listen deeply to and witness the rawness, the tender healing, the unplanned sense of renewal. We are fully present and we hold the space. And if we are really lucky, someone cracks a joke that is just the perfect release. Come join us. Bring your cup of tea. Registration is free. To register go to the Eventbrite website and search for online events for the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation and Death Cafes, or you can email me at rhyhalpern@gmail.com for more information. 2nd & 4th Tuesdays, 10am-11:30am PT, with the Elisabeth Kubler Ross Foundation. 3rd Tuesdays, 10am-11:30am PT, with Mission Hospice.