My Friend’s Partner is Dying

My friend of 30+ years is going through it big time. Her partner of 20+ years is dying.

In two weeks- or perhaps two months- she will join the growing ranks of solo elders. After age 75, an astonishing 43% of women live alone.

My friend is understandably anticipating his death just as much as she is bargaining with his illness to move to the back burner, giving them more time together.

She is sleeping at a hotel near the hospital so she doesn't have to do the daily hour long drive. Her adult son is helping. She has a strong community. She accompanied her former husband, her best friend and her mom to the gates of death.

But still. 

There is no way around this.

This is it. 

A good partnership is ending; there is grief; there is pain; there is fatigue; there is love.

The road is narrowing and the end is in sight.

The days are so very long for her, the caregiver, and the remaining time she has left with her partner so short.

She talked for a long time and I listened. They had done so much end of life planning and had made tough decisions. 

I wondered aloud if they had said their goodbyes. If they had shared their gratitude, their forgiveness and breathed words of love together. If there was anything left undone that could result in regret for her after his death.

When there is so much focus on the body and its sometimes dramatic but often stealthy demise, it is easy to put off those conversations for a better time.

In the wise words of American Buddhist teacher Frank Ostaseski in his book, The Five Invitations, holding on to and leaning hard into these five things can help:

1. Don't wait, live fully now; 

 2. Welcome everything, push away nothing, accept all experiences without judgment; 

 3. Bring your whole self to the experience, be authentically present; 

 4. Find a place of rest in the middle of things, cultivate calm amidst chaos; 

 5. Cultivate don't know mind, practice openness and not-knowing to allow for growth.

I wish him peace on his journey. She knows she will be okay after he dies. She wants to travel with a close, new widow friend. I wish her peace on her way. 

May we all know peace at the end of our lives.