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Greater Happiness Is Closer Than You Think I found a new groove. I got my groove on. I am in the groove. I am groovin’. But it’s not what you think. Do you remember playing records on a turntable and wanting to hear the next cut on an album, so you carefully lifted up the needle just a teeny tiny bit? Stay with me now… Dark, rancid thoughts about all the crap my X-spouse pulled during the 23 years we were together. There was his sour cheapness and refusal to support the family financially, unless it benefitting him directly. There was the chronic, 24/7 soul-killing lack of help with the kids and the house. He was stoned all day every day. His insatiable need for constant pleasure and gratification could not be met. There were the obsessive porn watching and ultimately the sex-trafficked prostitutes. There was the disengagement and denial whenever I wanted to talk about anything remotely relational. There was his scary screaming which he said was no big deal because he got over it fast, despite the reality that the kids and I did not. There was me carrying the burden for the family alone day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. I became drained, chronically fatigued, overweight and inflamed, meeting his sharp, tight energy with my own unhappy willfulness. I became my worst self. I mirrored his lack of generosity. I was resentful and critical. My closing down to him in the heart and groin. He was an energy vampire and I was in over my head. I wanted to leave but I knew it would be too wounding to my kids. Underneath all the horror stories that made my therapist’s eyes fill with fury, I still cared about him. We still cared for each other. We had two babies. We buried 4 parents. We saw his older kids marry and have babies and we became grandparents. We went through sickness and health, good times and bad. We knew each other’s stories and friends and trials and tribulations. We shared the same bed and home as companions for more than two decades. We kept forgiving and moved on. We were family. Finally, one Covid day, it was over. My kids were in college. The rubberband was stretched too far and I could not spring back. I was free of him and this is what I had wanted for so long, biding my time til my kids were launched. Right? I was free. I was unburdened. I was happy. So why did I miss him? One night, a year ago by now, when the bad stories were far overwhelming the good ones in my mind, I just picked up the needle on the record player of my mind and moved it ever so gently just that tiny amount of space onto the next cut on the album. Just slightly. Just a quick up with the needle and a skosh back down. Just that invisible nanno space. And that’s all it took. The needle came down lightly onto the next groove and my heart filled with forgiveness. It was a tiny shift; it was a profound one. My heart was open. I could see the good in him. In us. In me. Moving that needle in my mind helped me whenever I had the awareness to access it. It could be any stress or tension that I wanted to release. I found a space in close proximity to the noise in my mind where I was fine and at peace. Because that place was so proximal to the rank place, I eliminated the feelings of duality and could hold both without rancor, without aversion. I held them with loving kindness for all the lessons and all the love. Do you want to move the needle of your mind over just a skosh? Do you want to get free of the stuck grooves? Do you want to see how nearby equanimity is?

I have an autoimmune disease, that was finally correctly diagnosed after twenty five years of symptoms. I worked for more than a decade to lower my inflammation levels and now my body is a finely tuned machine. I don’t do red meat, gluten, sugar, and soy, processed foods and I avoid dairy and alcohol. I stay low on carbs and focus on eating lots of healthy proteins and fats. I eat 90% organic and stay away from plastics, pesticides, chemicals and toxins. I know it sounds extreme but that is what it takes for me to feel well. Sugar lights up my brain just like heroin does in an addict. But every once in a while I can enjoy some chocolate (sweetened with stevia or monkfruit) and I have done okay on a shot or two of alcohol, since vodka and gin are very low carb. But wine or those froo froo cocktails I love, not so much. I had such a bad reaction once that I had to do a several week detox. I am stronger now, so hope springs eternal, right? One recent day I had a hankering for red wine to accompany dinner on a night out on the town with a close friend. I enjoyed it wholeheartedly and expected to be okay the next morning. Because of those earlier bad reactions, I was concerned that my body would process the wine as SUGAR! I awoke several times that night feeling that weird feeling in my stomach that signifies to me that my blood sugar is off. When I weighed myself in the morning, my weight was up 5 full pounds!!! I was visibly puffy in my face, hands, feet and gut. I felt sluggish and polluted all day. As a Functional Medicine Health Coach, I had a few moves: I kept drinking water and lemon, then water and electrolytes, as well as herbal tea and bone broth all day to flush that perceived toxin out my system and bring my body back to its normal state. The second day saw a slow movement towards my healthy homeostasis and by the third day my inflammation levels had clearly lowered. I was once again back to five pounds lighter. It is true you can gain 5 lbs overnight when you ingest a foreign substance that your body repels. I won’t be drinking wine again any time soon!

As an End of Life Doula and Hospice Volunteer, I know of so many people who have experienced the loss of a loved one in the most dramatic and despairing of ways, sometimes only barely emerging after years. When I drill down and listen to their stories, I hear that they did not know their loved one’s last wishes and did not have a chance to say goodbye. Without knowing their person’s preferences about dying at home or in the hospital, with or without pain meds and machines, alone or surrounding by their loved ones, they have struggled with regret. Without that sense of completion that comes with sharing their love, acknowledging that death is near and saying goodbye, they feel that they cannot move on from their person’s death and find their way. When my mom died almost five years ago, I found that I experienced grief as profound love for her. I felt close to her, knowing she was ready to die and had not only accepted death’s inevitably, but actively embraced it at the end. I felt she gave me a huge gift by talking openly with me about her wishes and by making sure we had the time to say goodbye and express our love over and over. I even have an iphone video of her singing to me, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”! My friend lost her husband a year ago. He had a good, conscious death. She said to me last week that she still cries every day because she misses her beloved. But she said that amazing as it is, she also feels happy. She feels her sense of agency. She is grateful for life. She loves her life. Death is permanent. There are no redo’s. Preparing consciously for the end of our lives frees us and liberates our loved ones, that their period of mourning can be full of light and love. Grief does not have to be another trauma. It can be an honoring of your person and your love. You can miss them dearly and still embrace your life without them fully. Look for my new articles and offerings entitled End of Life Intentions for Dummies, Pragmatists and Seekers for more on conscious dying. Rhyena Halpern Health Coach & End of Life Doula who loves to write on Wellness, Third Act of Life, Death & Dying, Autoimmunity, Trauma, Food & Weight. rhyhalpern@gmail.com

About five years ago, when I was still gainfully employed and in the midst of designing a plan for my retirement, aka my Third Act, I read that people tend to be thrilled in the initial phase of retirement, which lasts about eight months. They feel free and happy, and absolutely love that they no longer are being awakened by the shrillness emanating from their alarm clock, starting their day off wrong. They are dancing on the ceilings because they feel totally free, less stressed, and more joyful. After those eight months of retirement honeymoon, the article went on to say, they then begin to wonder, with sometimes a fair amount of anxiety, about things like their identity and purpose and where this is all heading. My first response was is there something special about the eighth month, when that free-floating, low-level panic emerges? I would have guessed that people start getting a bit nervous after about three months. In fact, I actually started thinking about what I would do in my retirement about three years before I retired, in part to avoid any such confrontation with that dreaded, existential angst. I developed my Third Act plan over the course of 18 months working with a coach while I was still employed, and then had another 18 months to consider that ripening plan before I actually retired. So for me, the segue from working professional to retiree was pretty seamless. Because I had a clear direction, I never felt the loss of meaning. Rather I felt I was reaching for new dreams and goals that completely excited me. As you consider your retirement, do you feel you need a sense of purpose in the Third Act of your one precious life? If you have no idea of what you want your retirement to look like, is it smarter to stay gainfully employed? In the first phase of retirement blush, I too had loved losing the alarm and sleeping a bit longer, loosening up my schedule just a bit and giggling at my tendency to maximize every minute of every hour of every day. I felt a new freedom of indulging in the occasional, lusciously decadent, afternoon spent reading an actual book. The newfound spaciousness in my life was so absolutely joyful to me, as I no longer had to struggle with- on top of a busy day in the office- getting the laundry done, shopping for food and then cooking it, paying bills, or calling the insurance company and a repair company because the garage door crashed down, barely missing slicing my moving car in two that morning. I had the gift of time to take care of daily life without my cortisol levels going bonkers and my shoulders tightening up into my skull. Amazing! My spousal unit and I could go into San Francisco for dinner and a show without advance planning and take a hike in nearby open space almost spontaneously. Delicious! We could go watch the sunset over the Pacific Ocean in Half Moon Bay! We could Bart to Berkeley to see a play without worrying about the next work day. My meditation practice opened up. I had time to invigorate my yoga practice. Brilliant! The gift of time was mine and I savored every minute of it. Before I even retired, I started my weekly volunteer work at a local hospice group and began my eighteen-month program to become a health and wellness coach. Then, after retirement, I completed the program and board exams; joined a book club; methodically went through every room in my house and expunged furniture, tchotckes, clothing and random stuff that is taking up space, thereby lightening the feel of the house. I have a small garden, despite the ravages of the moles and gophers, and fixed up the backyard to make it a sweeter place to hang out. As you think of your retirement, what makes your heart sing? What are you passionate about doing and becoming in your Third Act? Are you itching to come out of the closet with your cherished but tucked away dream art project or fantasy job or ideal start up? If not now, when? Do you want a new mission statement for your Third Act or can you let it evolve organically? As I was approaching nine months in, I too found myself experiencing a dip. I needed to re-ignite my Third Act plan or I could get overwhelmed by inertia and underwhelmed by things that needed my attention but not urgently. I noticed there was a shift from the honeymoon of early retirement into moving into the long-term shift in my life permanently. Now, I am about two and a half years into retirement. Designing my Third Act was an act of love and alignment of the values I held most dear. When people ask me what I do, I may talk about my past work as an arts manager, documentary filmmaker, artist and massage therapist. But I always tell them: I am a certified and Board credentialed Holistic Health Coach, helping 55+ women and men who want to improve their health, design their own Third Act, or create a plan for a dignified and intentional end of life. I tell them I am a hospice volunteer, working with patients as well as facilitating educational programs for the larger community. I am passionate about being an end of life doula, whether than means working with folks to create an end of life plan or being an emotional support person at the end of life. That is what really makes my heart soar and sing the loudest. I also facilitate weekly Death Cafes. I am a volunteer crisis counselor for the Crisis Text Line and I have a daily writing, meditation and yoga practice. I read voraciously and study Mussar, and am known to binge watch Netflix on occasion. What is your vision for the Third Act of your life? Is devoting the first year of your retirement to make a plan a good strategy for you? What values do you cherish and want to align in your Third Act? What makes your heart sing?

Two months ago, I had a huge autoimmune flare. First, it started with my bladder getting really hot and uncomfortable and super overactive. After that, the all-over flu-ish feeling pervaded every pore of my body, a sensation that I hoped to never feel again. I had had the symptoms of the flu for twenty-five years and I could not go back into that unrelenting hell. Next, I started getting super achy in my joints and muscles throughout my entire body. After two weeks of this, I was even colder than usual and I was starting to feel melancholy. My autoimmune thyroiditis- aka Hashimoto’s- was flaring up after a full year of no symptoms and I had no idea why. I knew I was in trouble. I needed some miraculous intervention! If not, I knew I would soon be barraged by even more of the oh-so-unpleasant but oh-so-predictable symptoms I have already experienced for oh-so-long in the past, such as intestinal sluggishness, intense inability to get warm, irritability, loss of hair, depression, and brain fog. After those symptoms were firmly ruining my life, my latent, autoimmune candidiasis would wreak havoc in my pelvic region, including the triggering of full-blown interstitial cystitis, another autoimmune disease. It was going to be ugly. I decided I had to do three things right away and the first one was bringing out the big guns fast and furiously. First, I went back on LDN- low dose naltrexone. You may have heard about a drug called naltrexone that helps addicts get off opiods, at a high dosage of 50 mg or more per day. LDN is not for addicts. LOW DOSE Naltrexone is prescribed at a low dosage of under 5.0 mg. It is used to relieve people from chronic, non-responsive pain that results from inflammation, like the chronic pain caused by autoimmune diseases. It is used by more and more people every day; approximately 500,000 people worldwide as of 2019 numbers, with 100+ published studies citing its efficacy for more than 60 medical conditions. LDN works by staying in the body for a very short time, supporting the body’s ability to produce endorphins and kick start the immune system into gear. (High dose naltrexone does not work in the body the same way.) If you would like to know more about LDN, check out these stories: Got Inflammation? How LDN can help in the times of Covid. rhyhalpern.medium.com Are you Freezing Cold When Everyone Else is Warm? LDN to the Rescue!! rhyhalpern.medium.com Thank goodness for LDN! It did not disappoint me this time either! Within 3 short days, I no longer felt flu-ish and the aches in my joints and muscles were significantly less. I felt like my body was lapping up the LDN with glee. It had been more than a year since I had taken it. My first step was activated and working! Hope was in sight. Secondly, I needed to make sure I was correct that my Hashimoto’s was flaring up. I felt sure but evidence in the form of a blood test is best. My second step was to get my labs done to test my antibody levels. I tried to enjoy the privilege of paying out of pocket for these labs, since the HMO I have paid a huge amount of money to for 25 years won’t provide them. Conventional medicine is still in the 1970’s when it comes to thyroid disease, and hold fiercely on to their much-disproven theory that these tests are unnecessary. A week and $150 later, my results were ready. Sure enough, my thyroid antibody levels were high. My Thyroglobulin and Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies (TPO and TPA) were definitely out of any normal range, never mind any sort of proximity to the optimal range. It was affirming to know that I was accurately sensing what was happening in my body, with levels high enough that I would have symptoms. Third, I had to do a detox to bring down my inflammation levels. I had no idea what was causing the inflammation, the flare, and making my white blood cells fiercely do battle. (It was not COVID!) Whatever that perceived outside threat was, it had to be cajoled, calmed, and soothed. I am now two weeks into the detox; all my symptoms are gone. I am certain that if I had my labs redone now, my TPO and TPA numbers would be down. LDN ushered me down the red carpet to my reward of renewed health. But how am I going to figure out the cause of the flare? I eat only organic food so my ingestion of pesticides is down; I have detoxed from heavy metals and toxins; my stress level is down; my sleep is pretty good; I don’t go overboard on devices at night; and I eat mostly plants and clean protein, abstaining from gluten, sugar, dairy, soy, and processed foods. My emotional health seemed okay. Although perhaps breaking up my 23-year relationship 8 months earlier was taking its toll? I don’t think so since I have been happier, less irritated, less conflicted, and more peaceful than I have felt in years. Is my body- despite all my good efforts- just aging and not working well in general, and thus more prone to a flare? I don’t think so or why would I be doing so well for 17 months? It goes without saying that twenty-five years of trying to figure out why I had a low-grade fever, in the face of a medical misdiagnosis, was a grueling, enraging experience. I became a detective in search of all the cues. Bit by bit I uncovered things that helped with my many symptoms, whether it was homeopathically, or via acupuncture and Chinese herbs, or nutrition. Finally, about seven years ago, working with a functional medicine doctor and a correct diagnosis, I was able to vault over the chronic pain and sprint towards non-linear but tangible wellness. I have no answer for this current flare. Other than sh*t happens. And we get to deal with it. But for now, I am well again. I recognize that I may need my miraculous LDN and detoxification regimen again, should I flare again. We get to know our bodies so well and through trial and error, we learn ways to manage pain or flares, compassionately and holistically.

I have often inadvertently pissed people off by speaking openly and honestly, violating the constraints and strictures of the majority culture of the USA, aka White Anglo Saxon Protestant decorum. My Jewish-styled directness is shared by many other people of my ancestry so I am not alone, but it doesn’t feel that way. I may be extreme in my rebellion against the repressive structures that lead to so many stupid, inane, absurd misunderstandings - even wars- between friends, families, nations. I am amazed by how the culture of silence has caused such irreparable harm. I think of the woman who told me that she ‘lost’ her mother as a child. No one in her family- her father, her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, ever spoke of her mother again. It was as if she never existed. It took this kind, gentle woman four decades to actually cry over the loss of her mother and find her powerful anger about how her mother’s memory had been so cruelly denied. I find this common story stunning. I think about the millions of people around the globe who have had a similar experience. Why? The deafening silence around embracing death and remembering the deceased is a blanket holding fear, denial, tradition, custom and emotional repression. But so many people who have lost loved ones are filled with the gift of time. Death often is slow in coming after a prolonged illness or decline, affording us the chance to connect and share so much love. Afterwards, those who are left behind experience loss veined with that experience of a good death. They freely and sweetly share stories about their husband’s silly jokes and annual treks to see the wildflowers bloom. They got to say goodbye over and over again, so grateful for the peacefulness of their sister’s passing. In this country, about 50 of each 100,000 deaths are sudden. That means at least 900,000 of each 1,000,000 deaths have the gift of time. Time to say goodbye, to prepare for greeting death, to implement last wishes. Creating a death positive culture, where it is the norm to contemplate and plan for our deaths, fits me like a glove. Holding this space, I can be my true self, and speak authentically. I can stand quietly and speak openly and gently. I can listen deeply and be of service. There is a maxim that may or may not be true, but is certainly provocative: ‘how we live is how we die’. People long to leave a legacy, to be remembered for their true selves, and to leave things finished for and with their loved ones. They want to state their final wishes on how and where they want to die. They want to say “I am sorry” and “Please forgive me” and “Thank you” and “I love you”. Don’t you think it would be tragic to die without any of your peeps knowing your final wishes about the type of death you wanted? Would they choose to live if they were hooked up to a machine? Who do you want bedside at your death? What do you want to be remembered for? Living with regret for what was left unsaid adds mountains of complications to grief. If we took away the tired old repressive rules to not speak too directly, to not be too much yourself unless you comport with the status quo, to not express your emotions lest you appear unseemly, imagine it being completely normal to sit around the dinner table every once in a while to share about your wishes and your thoughts about death (http://www.deathoverdinner.com) (http://gowish.org/) What if everyone had an advance care directive and other documents at the ready, like they had a driver’s license or bank account? (www.joincake.com) (https://theconversationproject.org/) (https://fivewishes.org/five-wishes#) (https://www.finalchoices.co.uk/end-of-life-planning)(https://www.pdffiller.com/jsfiller-desk15/?projectId=484299424#fae55bd51a2a6ff460869d0b52baf7e9) What if legacy letters and ethical wills were the norm? (https://med.stanford.edu/letter.html) (www.legacyproject.org)(www.ethicalwill.com www.thelegacycenter.net) What if our love of life was reflected in our plans for our remains? https://beremembered.com/member/my_plan https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/ https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com https://www.thelivingurn.com/pages/product I love being part of a world devoted to serving people at an extraordinary time in their lives with full permission to talk gently about hard things. I love the deep listening that is part of the gift of being present in the sacred space of nearing death. Removing the verbal repression allows me to be fully open-hearted. I can finally be myself. I have had many people die in my life; a dear friend was murdered; grandparents, aunts, uncles faded; my father was so weak he died on the crapper; my sister died of metastasized breast cancer to her brain; my hospice patients die. My mother greeted death, reaching her arms out to the light and let herself be cradled by death’s welcoming arms. She and I got to say goodbye and share our love for months. All her paperwork and personal belongings and funereal plans were completed long before. She drifted off peacefully after a ten day death journey, 5 years and 2 hours after her eldest daughter had died. She gave me an incredible gift by preparing her body and mind so thoroughly. I simply circumvented the heavy load of grief. I was in a high place of love and light. I was able to just honor her and love her. Her memorial was a beautiful gathering of honoring her goodness and filled me with affirming joy. Someone once told me that grief is just another word for pure love. I totally get it. What if we opened up to talking about death so we could open up to life more? What if we died as we lived, open and honest and unafraid to say what wants to be said?

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash I almost drowned once. I did not speak of the experience for decades, nor did I get angry about it for years afterward. I just pushed it aside to a cobwebby corner of my mind. Why did I feel like it was my fault? I was a newly enrolled, 18-year-old college student at an amazing college on the glorious Puget Sound in Washington state, having grown up 3,000 miles away in New York and New Jersey. On my first day of campus, I ran into a friend from my very progressive but equally funky and tiny high school, whose claim to fame was that Buckminster Fuller sat on its board. We decided he would take me on my first kayaking trip ever. We each got into our kayaks, life jackets firmly strapped, and entered the glistening water on a sunny and warm afternoon. I remember thinking that the air felt like a blanket on my skin and I was sweetly excited to take this amazing boat on the beautiful, luscious Sound in my new home in the great Pacific Northwest. My momentary reverie was sharply broken by his instructions. He said something about how to paddle and before I knew it he was about 20 feet ahead of me on the water. I wondered how lame I looked, completely unskilled in this boating activity. I wondered why he didn’t look back or wait for me, but my focus was on getting the hang of my paddle so that I could actually approximate gliding through the water. About fifteen minutes in, I noticed that I was a good distance from the shore by now and that my friend was so far ahead of me, that he was a small dot in an elliptical shape I could barely see. He was probably closing in on reaching the other shore while I was feebly moving ahead, like a turtle with nothing to prove. Suddenly, what I later learned was called a squall- or flash storm- came up. The wind started blowing fiercely and before I knew it the bright, cheery sun was replaced with dark ominous clouds that began emitting huge raindrops diagonally lancing the air, hitting me and my little boat like mini-daggers. My supposed friend clearly had unceremoniously deserted me. I wondered what I should do, besides not panicking. Should I still attempt to follow him or retreat back to the shore? It was raining so hard by now that I could barely see the shore. I knew that the promise of land under my feet was less than a half-hour away but seemed like miles. I needed a plan, fast. So I tried to point my kayak towards the shore. That was a problem. Pointing. It implied an ability to steer. I felt doomed as I saw I was making no progress; instead, I was going around in circles. I noticed out of the corner of my eye another kayaker passing me swiftly, heading straight for the shore. I didn’t dare make eye contact; I knew I looked ridiculous and was embarrassed and scared and had a stomach ache all the way up to my throat. I struggled for several minutes when I heard a male’s voice barking at me. It was the kayaker who had passed me. He had come back for me! He was going to save me! He started screaming that he would help me but I had to listen to him and if I did not, I would capsize and drown. Did I understand? he demanded. Yes, I gulped, nodding. He screamed at me to paddle hard and when I could not paddle anymore, he screamed some more. His voice cut through the squall like a sadistic drill sergeant. It seemed to go on for hours as I leaned into that paddle, fingers frozen, sight obliterated, arms and shoulders aching, stomach in knots, and fear coursing through my veins. Somehow, he got us back to shore. I remember awkwardly getting out of the boat, stiff with cold and adrenaline. He told me to remove my soaked life jacket but I could not unzip it because my fingers would not move. He ended up doing it for me, unhappy about this further task of the rescue operation. Before I knew it he muttered something about being late and disappeared into the woods leading back to campus. I sat on my heels and let out some kind of tortured, primeval sound of relief and exhaustion. Then I followed the same trail, amazed by each step I took on solid land, and shaking off the rain, hurried towards a hot shower and dry clothes. That was my first day of college. I never told anyone about that day for more than two decades. I put the experience away in some cavity of my mind labeled ‘things I will never think about again’. I couldn’t think about it because my shame and humiliation were too great. I remember running into the man who saved my life a few times on campus over the next year or so until he graduated. I always looking away in extreme embarrassment. As for my high school friend, I also ran into him on a few occasions and we awkwardly made small talk. We never spoke of the incident. Again, I was utterly ashamed, assuming 110% fault as if my own inadequacy at kayaking for my first time meant that there was something irreparably wrong and defective about me. But such thinking was insane? How could it have been my fault? How did my mind come up with this distorted and twisted belief? Why would I take the trauma of the experience and internalize it into a seething ball of shame? Within a week or two of my fateful date with the squall, I learned that each September some poor schlub at my school drowned in the Puget Sound. They were typically new to kayaking and got caught in a storm and could not maneuver their boat back to shore safely. Those storms were fierce and required tremendous amounts of upper body strength to fight the wind and rain and build momentum. That took training, and practice, and time. I cringed at this data. I was a secret member of a club of people who almost drowned in the water, due to their novice knowledge and the frigid waters of the Puget Sound. Every fall, I cringed deep inside my soul when another drowning occurred. Still, I did not divulge my experience. Rationally I knew that some terrible shame inside me was not the reason why I could not paddle better the first time I went kayaking. But it was shame that made me feel so insanely responsible for my own inadequacies. Why? Why was I so ashamed? What was so wrong with me? Why did I view the experience as something to hide rather than celebrate? Why did it take me years to whisper the story to anyone? I have searched and searched and can only come up with having absorbed shame into every cell in my being during my childhood. My constant refrain as an unhappy kid was shame. I internalized everything against myself. During those truly growth-filled years at college, I wrestled with body shame, familial shame, existence shame, identity shame and personality shame. Shame was the lens I experienced my days through. Shame was like a master cell in my body’s composition, through which everything was filtered. Slowly, very slowly, and with many twists and turns and defeats over the years, and after copious therapy, I might add, I have learned to extract myself from my automatic tendency to blame and shame myself when something goes wrong as if my presence caused the problem. It is awfully egotistical way to react, don't you agree? At some much later point, I was able to move off and let go of the denial, personal shame, and humiliation of that near-drowning incident. It dawned on me that I could re-imagine the event with appropriate emotional responses. I suddenly grasped that the appropriate response would have been, absolutely should have been, red, hot anger. What was my pal thinking? How could he have left me? Why didn’t he hustle back when the storm came up? Did he realize I could have died? I mean WTF!!! I remember writing and telling him of my anger. He had graduated by then but I found his new address in Boston from another high school friend. He sent a short postcard back that he did not think it was a big deal and I was overexaggerating. Nice! Thankfully, it never occurred to me to avoid kayaking. I never thought about my near-death experience when I went out kayaking, probably because my denial was so deep that it had ever happened. I remember taking a class at the pool at our college, and learning how to roll the kayak. I was completely safe when I was underwater with the boat on top of me. I kept at it, learning how to get the boat to go where I wanted it. I loved the smooth silky gliding on calm waters mixed with upper body exertion through rough choppy waters. I loved the quietness of sitting literally on the water. Friends and I went on a few overnight trips where the stillness quieted us profoundly. Kayaking was full of majesty and magic, and mindfulness. If I could do it over again, I would have yelled at my friend to not leave me. I would have had a whistle on me and blew that thing for help. I would have turned back at the first sign of the squall. I would have profusely thanked the dude who saved me and gone out of my way to find him and keep thanking him. I would have all but strangled my pal while throttling him with vituperative, reverberating screams that he risked my very own, precious life. How dare he be so cavalier? How dare he dismiss and deny me? Was he crazy in his miserable chauvinistic arrogant denying head that his life would have been unaffected had I drowned? Such audacity! Then I would smush his face into a cement wall, his torso into barbed wire, kick him in the butt, and stomp away. Now, several decades later and after a lot of sorting out in my head, I am so profoundly grateful that I did not drown that day! I am not ashamed anymore that my first kayaking experience in the cold waters of the Puget Sound during a squall was nearly my last experience on this earth. I am so happy and thankful that someone saved me! It was not my fault. I am not mad at my high school friend anymore. What did he know? He was as stupid as I was. But, I want to say solemnly and sacredly, that I would give a lot to thank the guy who saved me in person. I don’t even know his name but I remember what his younger self looked like. I send him total gratitude and thanks, and hope he continued to help others in need over these four decades. I pray that when he was in need that others helped him. I hope he had a good life.

I relish the weekly time, each Friday afternoon, I spend with the words of the goddess Mary Oliver, whose poems fill me astonishment, delight, beauty and love. A friend and I contemplate a poem of hers each week as we honor the Sabbath. It is a ritual that has become so very personally meaningful to me that missing it is no longer an option. I hope you will enjoy Oliver’s words her as well as the saintly John O’Donahue and wise Cathy Comandy, as we collectively slip on something saging, and find a way to step into our third and final act, with the spaciousness of love. Enjoy these three poems and a link to more! BECOMING AN ELDER Leaving behind my journey of struggling and racing through the white water of many rivers, I become the river, creating my own unique way. Leaving behind my self-imposed role as a tree upon which others have leaned, I now become the wind, with the freedom to blow whenever and wherever I choose. Leaving behind the boxes I’ve created in my life, crammed with roles, responsibilities, rules and fears, I become the wild and unpredictable space within which flowers sprout and grow. Leaving behind the years of yearning for others to see me as somebody, I soften into becoming my future, with permission from SELF to continually unfold as I choose, without concern for how others may see me. Leaving behind years of telling and teaching, I become instead a mirror into which others can peer and view reflections of themselves to consider. Leaving behind the urge to provide answers for others, I become — in the silence of this forest retreat – the question. Leaving behind the rigor of my intellect, I become a single candle in the darkness, offering myself as a beacon for others to create their own path. I become an elder. ~Cathy Carmody~ Cathy Carmody passed in 2017, but before she passed she allowed her poem to be shared as long as she is credited as the author. For Retirement Here is where your life has arrived, After all the years of effort and toil; Look back with graciousness and thanks On all your great and quiet achievements You stand on the shore of new invitation To open your life to what is left undone Let your heart enjoy a different rhythm When drawn to the wonder of other horizons Have the courage for a new approach to time; Allow it to slow until you find freedom To draw alongside the mystery you hold And befriend your own beauty of soul. Now is the time to enjoy your heart’s desire, To live the dreams you’ve waited for, To awaken the depths beyond your work And enter into your infinite source -John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us For a list of other poems, please go to this link: https://www.joincake.com/blog/retirement-poems/

Photo credit: Tami Gann in Unsplash I am a volunteer crisis counselor with the national Crisis Text Line (CTL) and during my 2-hour weekly shift, I typically converse via a texting platform with 2–6 texters who contact us because they are in a mental health crisis. Think National Suicide Hotline for texters. In the last 28 days, CTL had about 94,000 conversations with texters in crisis, the majority of whom are young; teenagers and young adults. A significant number are LGBTQ. Recently I spent two hours with a texter in crisis, a minor in their early teen years, who ultimately revealed that not only were they very depressed, but that they were experiencing a resurgence of emotional and physical abuse by a parent, after previously having been removed from the home due to the abuse. (Out of respect for our texters’ anonymity, I am giving gender-neutral, skeletal information.) That is sad enough and I know, having grown up in an abusive home. What was worse was how this young person internalized the meta-messages of the abusive environment. This texter expressed beliefs like they should kill themself because they are a mistake, they are a burden, and they don’t deserve to live. They stated that not only did their parent hate them but they hated themself. Their internal pain was so extreme that they were awash with hopelessness and just wanted suicide’s promise of relief from the incessant pain. They asked the quintessential, existential and utterly heartbreaking question “Why shouldn’t I JKM (just kill myself) since we will all end up dead anyway? What is the point of being alive?” I too had despairingly asked the same question when I was their age. I grew up with an abusive parent and an abused parent, in an extremely toxic home life. I may or may not be of a different gender, class or ethnicity, but I felt the exact same way as this young person- I hated myself, believed I was a mistake, that I was marked in some way that meant my existence meant endless suffering. Like this texter, I too had tinkered with suicide and suicidal thoughts as a teen. But something kept me going, whether it was my own willfulness or some greater spiritual force. Now, of course, after decades of life behind me, the answer to the texter’s existential question is to live! Platitudes like ‘it will get better’ and ‘you gotta show up cause you never know when the miracles will happen’ are really true, IMHO. But there’s more to staying alive than platitudes. My path towards finding and living a full life relied on the tender tools of the heart. These tools included therapy and twelve-step programs, a spiritual path and meditation practice, loving guidance and support from true friendships, writing and journaling, multiple experiences of emotional catharsis, consciously shifting my perspectives in order to step out of burdened beliefs, physical healing, and clean food, and sacred time in nature. Developmentally, it is normal for teenagers to face, typically fleetingly, the awareness that they have the power to determine whether they live or die. They have choice and volition in life. However, internalized self-hatred and shame divert the natural order of development and wrench away our hope and dreams rather than help us step towards adulthood. They stop our natural progress and keep us whirling in a sea of miserable agitation. So many young people are in crisis, unaware that they hold the paradox of endless future possibilities juxtaposed with the possibility of endless pain. It is amazing how they each say almost the same thing; they are lonely; they don’t have anyone to talk to; they don’t feel loved or loveable; they don’t want to be a burden; they just want to be free of the pain; their existence is a mistake; and they don’t deserve to live. It is not a coincidence that they use the same words and describe the same feelings. Leo Tolstoy’s famously wrote in his novel Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” He touched upon a profound truism there. Here is another: children internalize the shame of the toxic home with feelings of self-hatred, until they consciously expel the damage, the hopelessness, the self-defeating beliefs. When we choose to keep living, keep showing up no matter what, keep bravely setting one foot ahead of the other, we let ourselves be touched by the beauty of a song, an ocean sunset, the utter majesty of a redwood forest, the smell of a newborn’s head. We experience the slow peeling back of the proverbial onion of our wounded childhood selves as we heal and let go of adverse childhood experiences (ACE). We emerge bit by bit with self-compassion, forgiveness towards ourselves and others, and learn to accept our innate strengths and weaknesses. We forgive and reconcile and accept as we dance with life. We face challenges and struggles and survive over decades, weaving the fabric of our own precious life story. We do all this until it is our time to die. That is the gift of life. Now that I am in my 60’s I have unspooled enough of the shame and self-hatred that I finally feel free. I know how low the floor of my mind can go and I have struggled. Little by little over the decades, the persistent low self-esteem that hounded me has finally abated. I had an impossible, toxic situation just a few years ago that triggered my old burdened beliefs, and have slowly come out of that, stronger. I may not be able to eliminate them all, but I can identify them and manage them appropriately. I finally take the downs in stride, no longer proof of my irredeemability. I finally feel kindly and forgiving and compassionate towards myself, unencumbered by the old shame and self-hatred. I care about spending time working a Crisis Text Line shift and hearing from precious young people, from all over the country, from different genders, economic classes, ethnicities, and cultures. I want to pay it forward and I let them know somehow, with great tenderness, that yes it is worth it. How to let them know they are me 50 years ago? How to give them hope to hang in there? I want to say: Look around. We are here and we are okay. There are a lot of people like us around. Find one and hold on for dear life. What is the purpose of our lives? We get to show up for the healing, period. Maybe that is all we humans are here to do; heal ourselves and each other. This seems like a perfectly acceptable life’s journey. A newish friend and I were talking and she was surprised to discover that I grew up around domestic violence in the home. I nodded and let her know I don’t primarily identify with an abused child anymore; that impossible burden so impossibly heavy for so long was now light. My adult years have been a prolonged course in healing and in addition to the tools described previously, having children myself two decades ago was the best and brightest healing of all. My heart fluttered sweetly when I heard her words, “You’ve done your work, girl, and it shows.” And isn’t that the goal of our lives? To not be defined by past abuse but what we have created for ourselves that is beautiful and meaningful and whole?

How to Make Things Better for Both of You Photo by Danny G on Unsplash I had the unusual opportunity (more on that in another story, someday) to get to meet quite a few men who were in long-term, straight relationships where sex was non-existent. I estimate I spoke with about 3 dozen men. Overall these men felt rejected by their women, and they really did not understand why. They were bewildered by the sexual anorexia they were experiencing at home and tended to rationalize the problem as their wives’ biological lack of interest in sex. The relationship’s sexlessness emerged typically about 20 years into the relationship, further exasperated by the hormonal impact of menopause. A few said their partners had been survivors of sexual abuse and never loved having sex, but most had had a satisfying sexual relationship for a number of years and were stupefied, stumped, forlorn, and despairing. In our individual conversations, none of the men ever articulated any awareness or concern about their own sexual skill in the bedroom, or their communication agility and emotional intelligence in the relationship. When I mentioned that research shows these factors play a big role in women’s sexual desires and satisfaction, they typically responded that they felt that because the sex had been good and abundant at one time, they were off the hook for examining their own role in the disintegration of sex in the relationship. They had in common that they repeatedly absolved themselves of 90–100% of the responsibility- both in and out of the bedroom- in the relationship that contributed to the deterioration of sex at home. And why wouldn’t they? Most of them loved their wives and had come to accept the pluses of companionship. They didn’t want to leave the women in their lives. Some wouldn’t leave because of the kids or finances. They just wanted to have sex again. They could not stand the sexual drought and though desperate, they were trying to do the right thing and stick with their partners. Having been thought of as one of those women by my former significant other, I knew these basically good guys were missing a crucial element or two. Truth: Women get bored faster by the same old sex. They need variety. They want variety in the sex they are having with their partners and they want to have other sexual partners. Truth: Men are more easily satisfied with the same old sex than women. They like their bread and butter sex and often may not have a lot of sexual range, despite their stated interest in variety. My former spouse was fond of his motto ‘no sex is bad sex’. Their lack of sexual skill and range clashes with their women’s desire for variety. Truth: Men respond to a lack of sexual satisfaction in their partner by feeling a loss of confidence. Their insecurity translates as failure or rejection or both. Some men might be able to honestly explore improving communications at home, even after so many years together, and drawing out from their female partners what they want in the mattress magic department, but many men’s ego cannot take it and they withdraw, defeated. Truth: Institutionalized sexism in science and medicine, has long dismissed women as having a lower sex drive than men. Seminal research that supposedly proved this point has been debunked due to sexist confirmation bias. Additionally this research also completely avoided the desexualizing impact of extremely high stress levels women experience at home and work on their sexual drive. How appealing would the specter of boring sex be to a woman who is sleep-deprived and overworked, without enough help or support to keep the marathon of work and home going? Truth: Women, including myself, believed we were less driven by sex than men for a long time. Women bought into the false notion that our sex drive was subjugated to men’s sex drive, to the detriment of both genders, as regards heterosexual sex. Truth: Women do not have lower sex drives than men; in fact, women possess the only organ in the human body whose sole function is pleasure, with no less than 8,000 nerve endings. Accordingly, women have a superior capacity for multiple orgasms and possess the wonders of the G-spot, thus leading to the widely accepted conclusion that women are innately more sexual than men. (It is no surprise that women are driving the movement of open relationships, throuples and ethical monogamy.) Truth: Many women with a history of sexual assault/abuse have done enough healing that they want a good sexual life with a partner they love and trust. So don’t hold her past in a way that keeps you afraid of approaching her. You just might be making her past her present and future. Truth: Men need to overcome their fear of women’s sexuality. Unlike men who find their sexual drive and ability wane as they age, women can, myself included, experience a sexual re-awakening after menopause. So, why the disconnect between women’s liberating, freeing, wild sexuality that they can now fully own, and the sexlessness that so many women experience in their long-term, heterosexual relationships? Because they are bored!!!!!!!! They no longer are willing to be passive, or sexually dissatisfied with their male partners, they want pleasure on their terms, having seen their husbands and partners demand no less than the same for decades, often without reciprocity. As per Tracy Moore’s online article two years ago for the Dollar Shave Club, entitled Both Men and Women Get Bored With Monogamy — Just For Different Reasons: “Newer studies of female sexual desire and arousal find that women crave more sexual novelty than men, and as a result, find monogamy stifling. Their reasons stem from social pressure, too — only from the other side of the fence. Unlike men, who are told they should always be rarin’ to go sexually, women are told they are innately less promiscuous and need stability and commitment over sex. Add to this the highly desexualized role of women as mothers and caregivers, and they may find it far more difficult to access desire and eroticism, or even reconcile pleasure they want for themselves when there are so many others to prioritize. But make no mistake: women are horny and bummed, too.” “ “Traditionally we have interpreted a woman’s desire as less — she must have less of an interest in sex,” psychologist Esther Perel told GOOP about why women become bored with monogamy faster. “But no, it’s that women become less interested in the sex they can have. Put that same woman with a new person, in a new story, and suddenly she doesn’t need a role replacement.” ” Women, myself included, want more foreplay, to change things up, to be enticed and lured, to experiment. We want to be treated really well by our partner out of bed first and then get into bed with an attentive, expressive, and imaginative lover. In the online Guardian magazine article, https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/oct/04/untrue-wednesday-martin-review, the idea is further illuminated: “We were taught that men were the ones who needed variety, but the exact opposite turns out to be the case,” says Wednesday Martin [author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe about Women, Lust and Infidelity Is Untrue]. “Overfamiliarisation with a partner and desexualisation kills women’s libido. We used to think it’s only men who became sexually bored after marriage; turns out that’s not true. It’s when women get married that it’s detrimental to their libido.” ” Martin continues, “A couple live together, their libidos are matched, and they have a lot of sex. But after a year, two years, maybe three years, what tends to happen is that the woman’s desire drops more quickly than the man’s. At that point the woman thinks, ‘I don’t like sex anymore.’ But what, in fact, is happening is that she is having a hard time with monogamy; because women get bored with one partner more quickly than men do.” “ “So women are socialised to believe that they’ve gone off sex, when in fact they’re craving variety. Instead of being the brake on passion, says Martin, the female half of the long-term partnership is the key to a more adventurous and exciting sex life. ” ” So guys, what kind of partner are you? Do you need to step out of your comfort zone? Are you getting good at the foreplay outside of the bedroom by being a helpful, loving, confident partner by her side? In the bedroom, do you ask your partner what she likes and wants in bed? Do you help alleviate her stress out of bed and lighten her load? Are you able to build the anticipation to make her weak-kneed? Do you know how to tease and make her want you? Trust me that these behaviors and actions go directly to your woman’s groin. Or are you like a former spouse who will go unnamed, who could barely lift a hand to help around the house or with the kids, consistently for years put his own interests and desires before the wellbeing of the family, could only have sex stoned, never spoke or made any sounds during sex, never wanted to know what his partner liked sexually, and could not understand why she would pass on the same old impersonal sex even when she was feeling randy? If you recognize yourself in this description, you gotta step up. Are you helping to create a space for experimentation and variety? If you are doing the same old, your woman is bored. Ask her what she wants, ask her to tell you her fantasies, ask until she trusts you want to hear. Tell her you really want to make it more about her as that turns you on- and mean it. The Guardian article concludes that “ “Men really caring about what women want sexually makes a huge difference. We find that their menus are more varied than men’s. Men are shocked, but also gratified and thrilled, when they find out how sexually exciting we can be when we get past the inhibitions that have been socialised into us.” ” Up your game, hombres. Remember that the two things women want most in the mattress magic department is foreplay and sexual variety. There are great toys and podcasts and entertainment to break through old patterns. Play with the sexual energy, be a considerate and communicative partner outside the bedroom, try some new moves and get ready for lots more, not-boring sex!

Photo by Ashley Green on Unsplash If you are carrying weight on your body that feels extra, and perhaps struggle a little or a lot with disordered eating, you probably know the story: Despite our rejection of the oppressive societal norms perpetuated by the ‘beauty’ industry; Despite our philosophical support of the fat liberation movement and our acceptance of our larger, different-from-the-norm-size; Despite the distorted mental tapes we internalize and carry about how women (and men) should ‘look’; Despite the valid, angsty emotions that drive the overeating (that we now know could be bad, gut microbes causing cravings); Despite the genetic predisposition towards gaining and holding onto excess fat along with blood sugar regulation problems that many of us have; Despite knowing that many skinny people are actually unhealthy and many thicker people indeed are very healthy; Despite multi-generational familial dysfunctional habits behind overeating; Despite all of this, we can feel that place of truth inside us that letting go of excess weight is part of our life’s lessons. We are not trying to be tiny or look like Barbie. We have moved way past that. We can be healthy and the right weight for ourselves, even if the BMI and weight recommendations disagree. We yearn to be healthy and free- mentally and physically. We don’t want to carry the shame or guilt or any self-denigration. Nor do we want to carry extra inflammation, which we know leads to disease. We are searching for and finding our own personalized optimal health. We are not prescribing yours. We want to reach for our own internal freedom from the tyranny of food, weight, eating. And we want the patriarchy and avaricious corporations that would hurt our bodies in the quest for higher profits off our backs. We know that the biggest, most cynical, conniving culprit behind excess weight is the maniacal food industry’s affair with processed foods designed with enough sugar, salt and fat to get us hooked. The cold reality is hyper-palatable foods are addicting- they light up your brain’s pleasure center and make you into an insatiable eating machine of highly processed, high caloric, low nutrient, fake food. So next time you look at that candy bar, chocolate chip cookie, pizza, pasta, breakfast cereal, bagel, ice cream sundae, potato chips, smothered chicken wings, donuts, etc., just know that you are looking at a product that acts like an addictive drug in your precious body. It is a product of greed, with no intention of helping to optimize your health. While not every body responds to processed food as a controlled substance, those of us who gain weight easily, who struggle with agonizing food cravings, who find ourselves out of control after that first bite of a sugary gooey sweet, certainly do. The chemicals and processing used in these products set off an addictive response once ingested for many of us. This response is very often correlated to weight gain and followed by low energy, sluggishness, fatigue, digestive problems, hormonal imbalances, compromised immune functions, high internal inflammation levels, and shall I keep going? Take it from me, someone who has struggled with an extra 20–30 lbs for decades. Ever since I was a little girl, I was overweight. As evidenced most recently by the mutations identified in my genetic testing, my body gains weight easily, holds on to fat, and does not lose weight easily. It's all tied up with my pancreas, metabolism, insulin, estrogen and thyroid. I have spent decades unwinding and making peace with my personal shameful war with overeating, only to discover that the fight is not between some defective part of me and my shame. The fight is with hyper-palatable food which is an absolutely predictable war when the enemy of processed food is colluding against me. We may not need all that expensive therapy after all! We just may need to clean up our guts and consume whole, organic foods, to make the biggest changes to our bodies and our health. I have studied the most up to date, solid literature and am convinced that the science is indisputable: losing weight for those of us with too much of it lowers our inflammation levels, improves our immune health, prevents disease, and slows down aging. There are so many bogus diets out there with scientifically unprovable claims. But here are two things I know for sure: Since highly palatable, processed foods are like cocaine to me and I would not ingest cocaine, ergo I religiously avoid all processed foods. Period. Not one bite. Period. 100% No! 2. There is no one simple approach to eating healthy food. It’s essential for me to have enough body awareness so that I can tune in to discover how different foods make me feel. Doctors, even integrative, holistic, functional medicine ones, don’t have all the answers. You are the expert on your body. You have to experiment, using trial and error, to find out what foods, what exercise, what mindfulness practice, what supplements, whatever, works for you. I have had time periods where I could not eat eggs no matter how much I liked them. My throat closes up if I drink coffee. My nose runs and I get constipated when I eat dairy. I feel energized from chicken bone broth. I get spacey from stone fruit. Fresh wild fish satisfies me like nothing else. I need leafy greens every day. Organic chicken breast with homemade coconut curry sauce is my go-to food. I can’t eat gluten-free pasta without brain fog. Stevia does not set me off. Adopting an attitude of curiosity and willingness to experiment through trial and error willing is essential. You can find your personal freedom so that you feel you are in the right-sized, healthy body, eating health-supporting, nutrient-dense, scrumptious food. When we are living our truth, all the other crap falls away. For ‘Are Hyper-Palatable Foods Wreaking Havoc on Your Health & Making You Gain Weight? Part 2’ of this story here. For ‘Becoming an Under Eater’ go here For ‘HCG: The Only Way I Have Ever Been Able to Lose Weight’ go here. WRITTEN BY Rhyena Halpern Health Coach & End of Life Doula who loves to write on Wellness, Third Act of Life, Death & Dying, Autoimmunity, Trauma, Food & Weight. rhyhalpern@gmail.com Nutrition Wellness Weight Loss Tips Weight Loss Health

Photo by Bruna Branco on Unsplash I have struggled with a tendency towards holding on to extra weight and the excruciating pain of stubborn fat loss for as long as I can remember, going back to at least four years of age. I have lost and gained the same 20–30 pounds about 15 times over several decades. (for more on those stories see Part 1 here.) I have followed a whole foods diet for several decades, since I was a teenager, in varied iterations. I have also done a lot of emotional work on my compulsive overeating, only to discover slowly, painfully and over time, that any amount of sugar including processed carbs, is the real culprit, not my emotional state as I had dogmatically believed. Once I got it together to finally lose the weight, I would be filled with anxiety about gaining it back. And then I would, indeed, gain it back, and more. Hyper-palatable foods are a huge problem for any person who cares about their health. For those of us who struggle with hormonal and metabolic regulation and weight gain, they are our downfall. They set up an unrealistic food reward cycle where the brain lights up, much like it does with excessive alcohol and drugs, needing and craving more and more. We become caught up in this cycle of addictive, chronic overeating, fabricated by the food industry’s profit motives. It's not our fault. But it is our responsibility to address. Here are ten things to know and to do to get out of this hyper-palatable viscous trap, summarized from Ari Whitten’s newest Energy Blueprint work (https://www.theenergyblueprint.com). Make friends with your body’s regulators Your body has systems of regulation that are always giving you critical feedback. For instance, when you are deprived of oxygen, your body hyperventilates to get your oxygen levels back up fast. Or if you are very sleep-deprived, your body lets you know with fatigue, low energy, and poor concentration. Likewise, if you chronically consume excess calories and your weight goes up, your body will regulate itself by slowing its metabolism and increasing its hunger signals. But wait a moment. What is hunger? How do you experience hunger? What does it feel like? Is it a clear rumbling in your belly? Or is a desire for food felt in the mouth? Do you get a headache and feel weak or cold when you need food? The desire to eat might be hunger or it may be the body trying to get back into homeostasis. For the purpose of this story, we consider all of the above hunger. The Queen Regulator of the body is the hypothalamus gland. It regulates many internal systems including the levels of hormones in circulation, body temperature, hunger, feelings of being full up after eating, and the number and size of fat cells. You need a well functioning hypothalamus regulating your body correctly. Read on please... 2. Homeostatic Eating, Not Hedonic Eating The hypothalamus is always looking to find the body’s homeostasis; it wants homeostatic or stable, consistent, baseline eating. We evolved through times of famine and it is set to make sure we have enough food and don’t starve. Think about animals. In the wild, they eat what they need to exist and not one ounce more. They have no obesity (like some human pets do!). They are natural homeostatic eaters, eating enough but not too much to sustain their bodies. In modern times, where highly processed food is hyper accessible, the body does not suffer from the threat of lack of food but rather too much, nutrient weak food. However, evolution is lagging a bit because the body still regulates for famine even though the norm has become overconsumption of low nutrient food. Hedonic eating is when we eat not for basic sustenance but for high food reward, with food that is hyper-palatable, hyper-varietal, very accessible, and very large in portion size. This type of non-homeostatic eating, while good for corporations’ profits, deeply disrupts the body’s regulatory systems, including the hormones that control hunger, and also the body’s circadian rhythm where it repairs and resets its regulatory systems. These systems are further dis-regulated by chronic stress caused by chronic maladaptive lifestyle habits such as too much sitting, chronic toxin absorption, lack of exercise, lack of phytonutrients, and more. 3. Losing weight without causing harm We want to create the conditions for sustainable fat loss without causing harm to the body. We do not want to follow harsh diets that cause the body to lose muscle and water only, without any metabolic change. Each body is unique and finding your homeostasis is a game of trial and error. I believe that we need to get off anything processed: white flour and white sugar of course. However, even gluten-free bread can stimulate the hyper-palatable vicious cycle, due to the processing of different grains and alternative sugars, which are still turned into sugar. All processed foods, even healthy seeming ones, are not natural to ingest. Highly rewarding foods, hyper-palatable foods are sweet and salty, lighting up the brain’s pleasure centers. The brain is not wired for that level of pleasure because it is still on the alert for starvation. Thus these processed foods are addictive substances akin to drugs. Studies put white sugar at seven times as addicting as cocaine. Like all addictive substances, as the pleasure center adapts, it needs more to get the same pleasure. So no more sugar pops, pop tarts, yogurt with mixed in fruit, granola, breads, cakes, candies, sauces, and condiments. Read every food label for added sugars. Stick with whole foods, mostly vegetables, and healthy proteins like organic chicken and eggs, wild fish and grass-fed meats. Have some berries or maybe an apple a day for something sweet. Eat like an animal, not a human who is being experimented on with highly processed foods, pesticides, glycosphates, plastics, etc. 4. Reclaim your body’s natural set point Our bodies have a fat setpoint whereupon if that set point is habitually exceeded, the body gains weight. Your body’s set point, or personal fat threshold, is determined by: · Diet · Genes · Environment · Lifestyle · Circadian rhythms · Stress load · Physical activity Once you reach your own individual personal fat threshold, your body can’t safely store fat in your fat cells anymore. So you gain weight. Some people can technically be obese although they enjoy a metabolically healthy weight because they have a high personal fat threshold. Each of us has to find our own set point. In order to achieve long term fat loss, we must down-regulate our body’s fat setpoint to the level that is normal for each of us. Resetting it to normal is part of the process of finding a healthy homeostasis. During the temporary phase of active weight loss efforts, most people find success when they go very low carb consuming meat, poultry, eggs and fish as well as above the ground vegetables and no more than a fruit a day, and avoid soy, dairy, root vegetables and grains. In the stable, maintenance phase, adding in small amount of nuts or legumes or root vegetables or dairy may work. Here is the bottom line: Consume not hedonic but homeostatic pleasure from nutrient-dense food and get to a good set point for your body. 5. Extra fat cells mean inflammation and insulin resistance We now have sufficient science that shows obesity, which varies from person to person since many of us can be metabolically healthy at a higher weight, weakens our immune systems. Obesity puts our bodies in a chronic state of low-grade inflammation, activating our immune systems to be on the defense constantly. Chronically inflamed fat cells secrete inflammatory signaling molecules into the bloodstream so that they reach every other part of the body. Fat cells become inflammatory and insulin-resistant, affecting the whole body. Too much sugar causes the body to secrete insulin. Insulin resistance results from storing too much fat and causes diabetes. Insulin resistance also increases weight gain. In a body that is working well, insulin pumps nutrients into cells and tissues. Insulin resistance means the cells and tissues are resistant to the insulin signal. They are not receiving the signal to and from insulin to store and better metabolize incoming nutrients. Fat-overloaded cells become inflammatory and resist insulin. It’s not the inflammation that causes insulin resistance, it’s that the cells contain too much fat. It is that simple. So the fat cells are both inflamed and insulin resistant. They secrete inflammatory molecules and fatty acids into circulation because insulin is no longer able to tell it to keep those fats stored. By bringing the body’s weight down below its personal fat threshold, it uses its own fat as an energy source and depletes the fat stored in the liver, pancreas, skeletal muscle, and throughout the body. The accumulation of excess body fat through high caloric intake drives insulin resistance. The hyper-palatable, hyper-rewarding processed food environment often lead to excess body fat, and to diabetes and blood sugar dis-regulation. To stop or get rid of diabetes, you need to get rid of insulin resistance. 6. Hyper palatable foods are addictive and lead to overconsumption Factoid: obesity increases the risk of being admitted to intensive care by 2–4 fold. Since evolution is designed to ward off starvation and not over-feeding, the body’s internal regulatory systems are overwhelmed. Nowadays as body size has increased and fat set points have been overridden, normal body weight is no longer the norm. Visceral fat accumulates in the liver, pancreas, and around the heart and lungs. Infectious outcomes are typically worse for people with obesity because their lungs and muscles responsible for breathing can’t function as well because of the mass of fat. Every time you feel that desire for that candy bar or cookie or chips or whatever your trigger food is, remember this! 7. Let go of disproven, antiquated calories in calories out model The old rule ‘calories in, calories out’ absolutely is not true or accurate unless you eat the same foods every day, day in and day out, for years. Your body can up-regulate and down-regulate its metabolism on a whim, in response to under- or over-eating. How efficiently your body uses energy and burns calories when you exercise affects your energy. If your muscles are highly efficient, and you eat protein, you will burn off more of the energy from that protein as heat than when you eat carbs or fat. The foods that you eat affect how much energy you expend. If you essentially starve yourself, you will lose weight. But just restricting calories does not result in lasting fat loss; 700 calories from chicken breast and broccoli vs pizza and ice cream will create wildly different amounts of satiety in an individual. Not every calorie you eat will be absorbed into your body and available for your metabolism to use. Hyper palatable foods make you eat more because they are not satiating. A processed food calorie is not equal to a whole food calorie in terms of satiety. They light up the brain and know your internal systems into a frenzied state. 8. Let your taste buds change There is no quick fix, but there is a fix. That fix involves changing your taste buds and your mindset so that not an ounce of processed, adulterated, hyper palatable food crosses your lips, forever. Okay, maybe not forever but 95% of the time. It is just not worth it. It will light up your brain and set you onto the downward spiral. You know what I mean. Your body is sensitive. You can’t get away with cheating on sugar. One bite of it sends you into the frenzied state- literally. Think of your body as a finely tuned filter. It can’t take the stress.It's not your emotions; it's your body chemistry. It's not your fault but it is your responsibility. Yes, it is true that not everyone responds to processed food the same way. But you and I cannot handle it. We know that. We have tried over and over again to handle it, always with the same disastrous results. The brain can be retrained to like healthy food as well as exercise. Our taste buds can reject the hyper sweet, hyper saltiness of processed food, of the Standard American (SAD) Diet, and refuse it. The fix must be long term and sustainable. We have to like our food and exercise enough to keep doing it and make the change permanent. 9. Eat A LOT of protein during the active losing period The standard required daily amount, the RDA, is .8 grams of protein per kilogram of current body weight. This RDA is the minimal amount required to prevent muscle wasting. You may have noted that the RDA is based on body weight. That is because the more body mass you have, the more protein you need. When you are losing weight, you always go by your actual weight, not your goal weight, to determine protein needs. Scientific studies have determined that the average person needs 1.2 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight, to avoid metabolic down regulations. With inadequate amounts of protein, your body doesn’t want to use that protein to grow new muscles or activate your immune system to fight off infections. Thus, metabolic down-regulation, a result of low protein, conserves your energy. Then you start to get low in dopamine and motivation, as well as serotonin and happiness. That makes weight loss hard to sustain and your determination wears down and before you know it, your best efforts to eat less are old news. High amounts of protein are very satiating, making caloric restriction bearable and sometimes not noticeable. There is some concern that high amounts of protein can be harmful to the kidneys. The research shows that high protein is not adverse for kidneys in an otherwise healthy adult or even overweight or obese adult. (However, if you have kidney dysfunction or diabetes, then high protein can harm kidneys.) Although research shows that people eat all the way up to 4.4 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight, it seems that 1.5 to 2.0 grams per pound is a good amount, depending on how much weight you need to lose. I eat about 10 servings of non-root, grown-above-ground vegetables a day. I can be very content with eating a lot of vegetables, prepared simply. It wasn’t always that way. Truly I crave vegetables. I can feel them work as fuel inside me. They translate as less or no sugar cravings. It’s crazy sounding, I know, but happily true. 10. Circadian Rhythms One weight loss tip that is priceless: the longer you sleep, the less time spent eating or thinking of eating! Plus, your body will rest. Stress puts the body into fight or flight mode, producing cortisol and adrenaline, making your body stressed. Your brain reads this as danger mode, whereupon it holds tightly on to its weight because the brain is programmed to sense danger as famine. It does not yet know to sense danger as processed food! But one day, it just might. Getting your blood sugar stable is one necessary step to lose weight. Blood sugar dis-regulation is one result of circadian rhythm and sleep disruption, increases insulin resistance, abnormal levels of cortisol, insulin resistance, and disrupts autophagy or cellular cleanup. Sleep is the single most critical compound for protecting your mitochondria. With insufficient sleep, your melatonin levels are disrupted, producing higher leptin and ghrelin levels, resulting in overeating. Here is something that is going to gain more and more traction now that it is commonly recognized that Americans are sleep deprived. The circadian rhythm’s clock in the brain are affected by light. Electricity confuses the body. Computers even more so. 5G even more so. We are going to have to make some real changes; more than blue light blocking glasses. It’s unavoidable. Weight Loss Nuggets Those are my ten customized points. I hope they are helpful and all praise goes to Ari Whitten and his Energy Blueprint. And here are a few helpful, concluding hints: Things to do more of: •Improve metabolic health by consuming food during hours of light •Have a short feeding window, 10 hours or less, not the norm of 16 hours •Sleep when it is dark •Keep restaurant food to a minimum and be very selective as to what you eat there •Eat more in morning and afternoon for optimal metabolic health and body composition •Cook! A key predictor of leanness is unprocessed whole foods cooked at home •Consume daily 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram of current body weight. Divide over however many meals you want. You will see improvements over time. •Remember that this work is all about being healthy and healthy aging. You need protein for your muscles. You need healthy carbs and fat. You need no processed food, no sugar. •Allow your taste buds to change over time. You will be amazed what a difference a year makes. •Be kind to yourself. It is not your fault you’re carrying around extra fat. Once you know your genetic disposition, sleep issues, nutritional intake, exercise, emotional triggers, and how to heal your gut, it will all come together. Acknowledge what needs to change to facilitate the future you want. Things to avoid: •Avoid sleeping during the day unless for under 15 minutes •No long feeding windows •No fast foods •Avoid restaurants •Chronic hunger and fatigue are predictors for regaining •No food when it's dark •Eliminate processed foods. Remember that they make you overeat whereas whole foods do not, as they are aligned with your body regulator. Fat gain is driven by over access and hyper palatability. This is the biggest key to weight loss, and is much more important factor than for example, the carb to fat ratio of the diet. WRITTEN BY Rhyena Halpern Health Coach & End of Life Doula who loves to write on Wellness, Third Act of Life, Death & Dying, Autoimmunity, Trauma, Food & Weight. rhyhalpern@gmail.com